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We are often told
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00:00:35,662 --> 00:00:41,251
that happily-ever-afters
exist only in the pages of fairy tales
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and in the naive minds
of sheltered innocents.
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And yet, on this bright,
sunny, Boston afternoon,
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a talking teddy bear is about
to marry his girlfriend,
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proving two things.
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Happy endings can come true for anyone.
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And America doesn't give
a shit about anything.
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Do you,
Tami-Lynn McCafferty,
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take this teddy bear to be
your lawfully wedded husband?
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I do.
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And do you, Ted,
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take this woman to be
your lawfully wedded wife?
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Fuckin' A right, I do!
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Then, by the power vested in me,
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I now pronounce you husband and wife.
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You may kiss the bear.
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Thank you, folks. We're
going to take a short break
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and pass things over to DJ Nightshade.
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Ladies and gentlemen, your newlyweds!
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Teddy, this is the best day of my life!
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I just love you so much.
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I love you, too, baby.
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I'm gonna go fifty shades
of bear on you tonight.
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Let's go get shit-faced!
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Okay!
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Thank you.
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Hey, congrats, you mofos.
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Oh, hey, Guy.
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Beautiful ceremony.
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Oh. Thank you so much
for being a part of it.
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Hey, this is my new boyfriend, Rick.
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How you doing?
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Good, good.
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He's a gourmet chef.
So he knows how to toss a salad.
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00:03:15,279 --> 00:03:17,573
Rick and I are actually
about to tie the knot.
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Oh, you guys are getting married?
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No, we're just gonna go home
and tie our dicks together.
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- Ha! Fuck you.
- Fuck you.
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Deal.
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No! No!
I said no Electric Slide.
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God damn it, you will not wreck this night
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with your forced white people group fun.
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Hey, buddy.
You okay, there?
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You look a little down.
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Are you still shaking off that
hangover from the bachelor party?
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- Oh!
- That's nice.
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Oh, my God. She's fucking begging for it!
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She's totally begging.
Get it. Get in there.
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Look at her.
She wants it bad!
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00:04:01,784 --> 00:04:02,827
Oh, yeah.
She wants more
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than just a fucking pizza delivery, huh?
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That's bigger than the average
bear right there, I tell you.
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You know what's fucked up?
Dude, that's somebody's fucking daughter!
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Oh, shit!
Jesus! Come on!
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You know what, Johnny?
It's entirely possible it's his daughter.
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That's how it works out there.
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I'm fine. I was thinking about Lori.
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Oh, Johnny, come on, man.
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It's been six months since
you guys got divorced.
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I know, I know.
It's just that...
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Being back in that church again.
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I mean, everything seemed like
it was gonna be so perfect.
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Yeah. Well, you're
not the first guy
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to marry the wrong girl.
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Hey, listen.
Don't let her drag you
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00:04:39,489 --> 00:04:41,199
down tonight, okay?
This is a party.
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I'm sorry, buddy. I don't
mean to mess up your big day.
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What, you kidding?
You're not the one messing it up.
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Check out Tami-Lynn's
asshole brother
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in the wheelchair.
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If you don't dance with
me, you're a monster.
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Watch it, you fucking tool!
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Hey, hey!
Big day, huh, bud?
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You guys wanna celebrate with
a little something else, hmm?
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Oh. Uh, no, thanks, Sam.
Tami-Lynn would kill me
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if I did drugs on our wedding day.
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Ah, she won't notice.
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I just did a line with a
dude in the men's room
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and I bet you can't even spot him.
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Yeah, I'm gonna pass.
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Hey, hey. What do you say we do the
thing, huh? That'll cheer you up.
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- Fuck, let's do it.
- There he is!
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Attention, everyone.
May I have your attention, please.
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Johnny and I have prepared something
very special for you, here.
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Let's have it, fellas!
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♪When you hear
the sound of thunder♪
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♪Don't you get too scared♪
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♪Just grab your thunder buddy
and say these magic words♪
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♪Ho! Fuck you, thunder!♪
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♪You can suck my dick♪
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♪You can't get me thunder♪
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♪'Cause you're just
God's farts♪
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♪Yeah!♪
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♪I'm steppin' out with my honey♪
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♪Can't be bad to feel so good♪
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♪Never felt quite so sunny♪
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♪So I keep on knockin' wood♪
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♪Yeah, steppin' out with my baby♪
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♪Can't go wrong 'cause I'm in right♪
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♪Ask me when will the day be♪
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♪The big day may be tonight♪
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This is the best day of my life!
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I'm starving. What the hell
are you doing over there?
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I'm curing cancer.
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00:09:22,116 --> 00:09:24,160
I'm cooking your fucking steak.
What do you think I'm doing?
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00:09:24,410 --> 00:09:25,453
What do I think you're doing?
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I think you're bleeding us dry,
is what I think you're doing.
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Look at this, look at this.
$129 at Filene's Basement.
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What are you buying over there, Tami?
Gold bars?
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I need clothes for work.
All right, Teddy?
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What do you mean?
You wear a smock, you're a fucking cashier.
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Yeah? So are you!
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Yeah, exactly! And I'm not going
out and buying designer shit!
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Oh, no, no, no, no, no!
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You're just buying weed,
you're just buying drugs.
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You should fucking talk!
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I was talking. I was just talking,
just now, until you interrupted me.
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Well, I have to interrupt you or else
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I never get to fucking say anything!
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Are you gonna let me finish talking?
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You're always cutting me off!
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Are you gonna let me finish talking?
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Are you gonna let me finish talking?
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It's important to look good at work.
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I am trying to climb
the corporate fence, here!
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Nobody's in there to look at your ass!
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00:10:01,197 --> 00:10:02,365
You're acting like an asshole!
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00:10:02,448 --> 00:10:04,033
Oh, what am I acting like, Tami?
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00:10:04,117 --> 00:10:05,535
You're acting like a fucking asshole!
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00:10:05,618 --> 00:10:07,203
Like an asshole!
That's what you're acting like!
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00:10:07,286 --> 00:10:10,123
You don't got to dress like Elizabeth
Taylor to put a yam in a plastic bag!
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I am the face
of the business! Okay?
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00:10:12,625 --> 00:10:14,335
- The face of the business?
- So get the fuck off my case!
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00:10:14,419 --> 00:10:16,796
Jesus Christ! Listen to you!
You're delusional!
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00:10:16,879 --> 00:10:19,215
I should've married Robert DiCicco.
I really should've.
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Fine! Fine!
Go torture that asshole!
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00:10:20,800 --> 00:10:22,051
He treated me good!
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00:10:22,135 --> 00:10:25,888
And he had a dick!
He had an awesome dick!
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00:10:25,972 --> 00:10:29,142
Oh, newsflash! Boston whore
has seen Italian penis.
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What the fuck did you just call me, fucker?
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00:10:31,477 --> 00:10:32,854
What did you fucking say?
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00:10:32,937 --> 00:10:34,230
Jesus!
What the fuck?
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00:10:34,313 --> 00:10:36,315
You wanna call me a whore?
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00:10:36,482 --> 00:10:37,567
You wanna throw shit?
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00:10:37,650 --> 00:10:38,860
Yeah, I wanna fucking throw shit!
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00:10:38,943 --> 00:10:39,986
I'll fucking throw shit!
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00:10:40,027 --> 00:10:42,280
- Oh. Wow.
- There, see! How do you like that?
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00:10:42,655 --> 00:10:43,739
I'm scared, Teddy!
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00:10:43,823 --> 00:10:45,992
I'm really fucking scared of
you, you little fucking bear!
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00:10:46,159 --> 00:10:47,452
Shut the fuck up!
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00:10:47,535 --> 00:10:48,995
Oh, for Christ's sake!
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00:10:49,328 --> 00:10:50,872
Hey, you shut the fuck up!
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00:10:50,955 --> 00:10:52,331
Why don't you come down
and make me, tough guy?
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00:10:52,415 --> 00:10:53,541
Yeah, why don't you come up here
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00:10:53,624 --> 00:10:54,917
and make me come down there, tough guy?
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I am gonna come up there and I'm
gonna kick your fucking ass!
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Yeah, why don't you try it, asshole?
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Get your ass up here and kick my ass!
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00:11:01,924 --> 00:11:03,092
Shut the fuck up, you stupid bitch!
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00:11:03,176 --> 00:11:04,135
Hey, shut up, lady!
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00:11:04,218 --> 00:11:06,179
Run the fuck back to Russia, you whore!
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00:11:06,345 --> 00:11:07,597
Get the fuck out of here!
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00:11:07,680 --> 00:11:08,931
People are trying to sleep!
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God damn it!
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00:11:10,099 --> 00:11:11,184
Shut the fuck up!
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00:11:11,976 --> 00:11:13,644
- Hey, I'm really sorry!
- Yeah, me, too.
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00:11:13,728 --> 00:11:15,062
She's worse than us.
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00:11:15,146 --> 00:11:16,522
Yeah, she's our enemy now.
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00:11:24,113 --> 00:11:26,115
Have you guys at least
tried marriage therapy?
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00:11:26,365 --> 00:11:28,534
Oh, God, yeah.
It was a frigging disaster.
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00:11:28,618 --> 00:11:31,120
$250 and we didn't learn a goddamn thing.
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00:11:31,204 --> 00:11:33,039
$250? Dude,
that's ridiculous!
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00:11:33,122 --> 00:11:34,707
I mean, doesn't your insurance
cover that or something?
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00:11:34,832 --> 00:11:37,627
Nah, Tami-Lynn tried to sign up
for Obamacare on the Internet,
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00:11:37,710 --> 00:11:38,961
but I came back five minutes later,
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she was looking at black cocks.
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00:11:40,505 --> 00:11:42,048
It seems like every time you go online,
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00:11:42,131 --> 00:11:43,633
you're two clicks away from black cocks.
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Look.
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00:11:45,051 --> 00:11:47,720
See, I'll Google
"Grand Canyon."
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00:11:47,929 --> 00:11:50,431
Here. Look, it says,
"Did you mean black cocks?"
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00:11:51,182 --> 00:11:52,517
I don't know, man.
I got to do something
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or my marriage is gonna collapse.
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00:11:54,560 --> 00:11:55,853
Here you go, guys.
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00:11:55,937 --> 00:11:57,563
We're gonna be closing in a few,
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00:11:57,730 --> 00:11:59,190
but I'm going to
this after-hours thing
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at my friend's apartment,
if you wanna join.
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00:12:01,150 --> 00:12:04,278
Oh, thanks, Allison. But I
got an early day tomorrow.
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00:12:04,403 --> 00:12:05,738
Oh, okay.
191
00:12:06,739 --> 00:12:09,700
Well, if you change your
mind, here's the address.
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00:12:11,786 --> 00:12:13,287
I put my cell number on there, too.
193
00:12:16,165 --> 00:12:18,501
Oh, my God!
Are you fucking kidding me?
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00:12:18,584 --> 00:12:19,627
What?
195
00:12:19,710 --> 00:12:20,878
What do you mean, "What?"
After hours?
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00:12:20,962 --> 00:12:22,797
Jesus, Johnny, she totally
wants to sleep with you.
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00:12:23,506 --> 00:12:24,590
I'm not into it.
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00:12:24,674 --> 00:12:26,509
John, you've been saying that
for over a year-and-a-half
199
00:12:26,592 --> 00:12:28,469
about every chick that
throws herself at you.
200
00:12:28,553 --> 00:12:29,887
You got to get back in the game, man!
201
00:12:29,971 --> 00:12:31,222
No, don't start this shit, all right?
202
00:12:31,305 --> 00:12:32,807
Look, I wasted six years of my life
203
00:12:32,890 --> 00:12:34,308
with the wrong girl and I got burned.
204
00:12:34,392 --> 00:12:36,143
I'm not gonna make that same mistake again.
205
00:12:36,435 --> 00:12:38,187
Jesus, Johnny, you don't
got to marry Allison.
206
00:12:38,271 --> 00:12:40,439
You just got to bang her and
maybe pee on her a little.
207
00:12:40,523 --> 00:12:41,732
What?
208
00:12:41,899 --> 00:12:44,860
It's always good to find new
ways to surprise your lover.
209
00:12:44,944 --> 00:12:46,571
Yeah, I got to take a leak.
210
00:12:49,031 --> 00:12:50,616
Sorry, Allison. I tried.
211
00:12:50,783 --> 00:12:54,078
It's okay. I just wish
he wasn't so goddamn cute.
212
00:12:54,245 --> 00:12:55,955
Yeah. Hey, can I get
a Jack Daniel's
213
00:12:56,038 --> 00:12:57,707
with just a splash of Grey Goose?
214
00:12:58,223 --> 00:12:59,974
Wish I could help you, but we're closing.
215
00:13:00,058 --> 00:13:02,018
Oh, come on. I've been
coming here since the '90s!
216
00:13:02,477 --> 00:13:03,895
Sorry, buddy.
No can do.
217
00:13:04,229 --> 00:13:06,398
Come on, one drink and I
promise I won't tell anybody
218
00:13:06,523 --> 00:13:08,983
that Jay Leno comes in here
for gay bathroom sex.
219
00:13:09,067 --> 00:13:11,569
Hey, what the fuck are you doing?
Get off of me!
220
00:13:11,736 --> 00:13:13,488
Sorry, my mistake.
221
00:13:20,412 --> 00:13:23,373
There we go.
Thanks a lot, come again.
222
00:13:30,088 --> 00:13:31,339
Hey.
223
00:13:31,506 --> 00:13:32,549
Hello.
224
00:13:32,757 --> 00:13:36,761
I'd, uh, like to ask a few questions
about this breakfast cereal.
225
00:13:37,095 --> 00:13:39,264
Uh, yeah, yeah.
Box of Trix.
226
00:13:39,597 --> 00:13:40,598
That's right.
227
00:13:40,723 --> 00:13:44,769
I've been led to understand that
Trix are exclusively for children.
228
00:13:45,103 --> 00:13:46,104
Is that correct?
229
00:13:46,729 --> 00:13:50,191
I... I mean, they say, uh, "Trix
are for kids" in the commercials.
230
00:13:50,275 --> 00:13:51,734
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
231
00:13:52,110 --> 00:13:54,279
And is that enforced by law?
232
00:13:54,904 --> 00:13:56,906
Uh, not to my knowledge, no.
233
00:13:57,532 --> 00:14:01,369
So if I purchase these Trix,
there'll be no trouble?
234
00:14:01,744 --> 00:14:03,872
No. No, you...
You should be fine.
235
00:14:04,581 --> 00:14:07,250
You do understand that I
myself am not a child?
236
00:14:07,542 --> 00:14:09,878
Uh, I was able to sniff that out, yeah.
237
00:14:11,713 --> 00:14:14,048
Okay, I'm going to bring
these back to my apartment.
238
00:14:14,424 --> 00:14:16,468
Uh, yeah, yeah.
You'll... You'll be okay.
239
00:14:16,801 --> 00:14:19,471
And, uh, I won't be followed?
240
00:14:19,888 --> 00:14:23,099
Uh, no, that's...
That's not in our budget here.
241
00:14:26,478 --> 00:14:27,562
Hey.
242
00:14:27,937 --> 00:14:30,440
I won't forget what you've
done for me here today.
243
00:14:30,607 --> 00:14:32,400
I would prefer that you do.
244
00:14:38,156 --> 00:14:39,741
Jesus Christ.
245
00:14:50,335 --> 00:14:52,003
You two still not talking?
246
00:14:52,128 --> 00:14:53,171
No.
247
00:14:53,296 --> 00:14:55,423
Honest to God, Joy, I don't
know how to fix this.
248
00:14:55,590 --> 00:14:56,591
I mean, how the hell do you take
249
00:14:56,674 --> 00:14:58,426
a broken marriage and make it work again?
250
00:14:58,593 --> 00:15:01,846
Well, I'll tell you one way.
You have yourselves a baby.
251
00:15:02,013 --> 00:15:03,014
A baby?
252
00:15:03,139 --> 00:15:05,016
Uh-huh. Look at that.
253
00:15:05,141 --> 00:15:06,601
You see them two white niggas over there?
254
00:15:06,684 --> 00:15:08,686
Yeah. What?
255
00:15:08,853 --> 00:15:10,480
Look at them.
They're so happy.
256
00:15:10,647 --> 00:15:13,274
Because they got that little
baby keeping them together.
257
00:15:13,441 --> 00:15:14,943
If they didn't have that baby,
258
00:15:15,026 --> 00:15:17,111
they'd just be two
sad-ass white niggas
259
00:15:17,195 --> 00:15:18,863
waiting for Downtown Abbey to come on.
260
00:15:19,113 --> 00:15:21,616
Why, you said it twice.
Is that an actual phrase?
261
00:15:21,699 --> 00:15:22,784
I'm telling you, Ted,
262
00:15:22,867 --> 00:15:26,037
y'all better have a baby or
your marriage is over. Trust.
263
00:15:35,880 --> 00:15:37,882
Uh, hey.
264
00:15:38,633 --> 00:15:39,968
Go away, Teddy.
265
00:15:40,051 --> 00:15:42,220
Tami, listen, I just
wanna talk to you. Okay?
266
00:15:42,303 --> 00:15:43,805
Will you just listen to me for one second?
267
00:15:43,888 --> 00:15:45,640
Why? So you can give me
shit about my clothes?
268
00:15:45,723 --> 00:15:48,726
No! Look, I'm sorry about that, okay?
I'm sorry.
269
00:15:48,851 --> 00:15:50,687
I was an asshole and I didn't mean it.
270
00:15:50,853 --> 00:15:52,146
You know, whatever, Teddy.
271
00:15:52,230 --> 00:15:54,899
Tami, listen.
I love you.
272
00:15:55,567 --> 00:15:56,818
Okay? And...
And I don't want us
273
00:15:56,901 --> 00:15:59,070
to fight like we've been
doing the past few months.
274
00:15:59,153 --> 00:16:01,906
I don't know, Teddy. Something's
got to change, you know?
275
00:16:02,031 --> 00:16:05,577
Because I can't do this no more.
It's too much.
276
00:16:05,702 --> 00:16:08,371
I know, I know, I know.
And... And that's why...
277
00:16:09,872 --> 00:16:11,583
I wanna have a baby.
278
00:16:13,209 --> 00:16:14,252
You do?
279
00:16:14,419 --> 00:16:15,503
Yeah.
280
00:16:15,587 --> 00:16:17,922
A baby? Like really?
281
00:16:18,047 --> 00:16:19,090
Yeah.
282
00:16:19,173 --> 00:16:21,426
See, I think, if we got a kid to love,
283
00:16:21,509 --> 00:16:23,720
it'll teach us how to
love each other again.
284
00:16:23,928 --> 00:16:25,763
Oh, my God, Teddy.
285
00:16:26,389 --> 00:16:27,849
You better not be messing with me.
286
00:16:27,932 --> 00:16:29,350
I swear to God, not messing with you.
287
00:16:29,434 --> 00:16:31,019
I think you'd make an awesome mom.
288
00:16:31,102 --> 00:16:32,604
Oh, my God!
Are you kidding me?
289
00:16:32,729 --> 00:16:34,772
I would, like, kick so much ass at mommin'!
290
00:16:34,939 --> 00:16:36,190
So what do you say?
We all good?
291
00:16:36,274 --> 00:16:37,775
Yes! Oh, I love you!
292
00:16:37,859 --> 00:16:38,943
I love you so much!
293
00:16:39,110 --> 00:16:40,945
Oh, baby, I love you, too!
294
00:16:41,779 --> 00:16:43,448
- Let's make a baby!
- Let's make a baby!
295
00:17:03,301 --> 00:17:04,469
Let me know when you're ready to go
296
00:17:04,552 --> 00:17:06,054
and I'll stick a bottle
of Newman's Own in you.
297
00:17:06,137 --> 00:17:08,264
All the profits go to charity.
298
00:17:09,932 --> 00:17:11,559
You had sexual intercourse
299
00:17:11,643 --> 00:17:13,311
on a pile of raw hamburger meat
300
00:17:13,394 --> 00:17:15,063
that we're supposed to sell to the public
301
00:17:15,146 --> 00:17:17,482
for their Fourth of July barbecues.
302
00:17:17,649 --> 00:17:19,484
I fucked her with a pack of Freedent.
303
00:17:19,567 --> 00:17:22,320
Then I put it back on the shelf
and a senior citizen bought it.
304
00:17:23,321 --> 00:17:24,822
That took guts.
305
00:17:25,448 --> 00:17:26,658
We need guts.
306
00:17:27,950 --> 00:17:29,827
I'm naming the store after you.
307
00:17:38,586 --> 00:17:40,296
- Okay, you ready?
- Oh, shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
308
00:17:40,421 --> 00:17:41,923
- Here it comes.
- Okay, okay. I'm ready.
309
00:17:42,090 --> 00:17:45,343
♪Let's all go to court.♪
310
00:17:46,928 --> 00:17:50,098
♪Let's go make some law now♪
311
00:17:50,264 --> 00:17:52,183
♪Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah♪
312
00:17:52,266 --> 00:17:54,352
♪Some law now♪
313
00:17:54,435 --> 00:17:55,520
I say we go to court!
314
00:17:55,603 --> 00:17:56,771
Yes, let's go to court!
315
00:17:56,854 --> 00:17:58,523
We're a bunch of assholes who take up
316
00:17:58,606 --> 00:18:00,608
a whole hallway with our conversation.
317
00:18:02,110 --> 00:18:04,195
♪Hey, you lawyer guys♪
318
00:18:04,320 --> 00:18:08,366
♪You don't know me and
Johnny are watching you♪
319
00:18:08,449 --> 00:18:10,702
♪While we're high♪
320
00:18:11,661 --> 00:18:13,287
That was fucking magic.
321
00:18:13,371 --> 00:18:15,540
- That felt smooth. That felt really smooth.
- Oh!
322
00:18:15,623 --> 00:18:16,833
So in the pocket.
323
00:18:17,208 --> 00:18:19,377
Hey, so, uh, listen, I got, uh...
324
00:18:19,460 --> 00:18:21,129
I got some big news to tell ya.
325
00:18:21,379 --> 00:18:22,547
Oh, yeah? What's that?
326
00:18:22,714 --> 00:18:26,050
Tami-Lynn and I are
gonna have a baby!
327
00:18:27,969 --> 00:18:29,721
Holy shit! You?
328
00:18:29,804 --> 00:18:31,389
Yeah, yeah, we talked about it today.
329
00:18:31,472 --> 00:18:33,057
Dude, that's fucking awesome!
Congratulations!
330
00:18:33,141 --> 00:18:34,142
Thank you!
331
00:18:34,225 --> 00:18:36,060
Wait, wait, wait. How... How...
How do you guys...
332
00:18:36,144 --> 00:18:39,897
Well, yeah, that's the thing. We... We, uh...
We got to find a sperm donor.
333
00:18:41,149 --> 00:18:43,067
And, um, I'm wondering, what do you think
334
00:18:43,151 --> 00:18:44,986
Sam Jones would say if I asked him?
335
00:18:45,236 --> 00:18:47,405
You want Flash Gordon to father your child?
336
00:18:47,488 --> 00:18:48,823
Yeah, I mean, do you think...
337
00:18:48,906 --> 00:18:50,575
Would that be weird? Would
he be freaked out if I...
338
00:18:50,658 --> 00:18:51,826
No, I think he'd be flattered!
339
00:18:51,909 --> 00:18:54,579
And plus, your baby
will be a fucking superhero!
340
00:18:54,662 --> 00:18:56,664
Well, that was the logic
I arrived at as well.
341
00:18:56,748 --> 00:18:57,915
Yeah, I say do it!
342
00:18:58,040 --> 00:18:59,751
All right. I'll shoot
him an e-mail right now,
343
00:18:59,834 --> 00:19:01,169
and see if I can stop by tonight.
344
00:19:01,335 --> 00:19:02,587
- You come with me?
- Sure.
345
00:19:02,670 --> 00:19:03,838
All right, great.
346
00:19:06,090 --> 00:19:07,175
Shit.
347
00:19:07,258 --> 00:19:10,178
I can never get a signal in your apartment.
Hey, can I use your laptop?
348
00:19:10,344 --> 00:19:12,180
- Yeah, go ahead.
- Okay, thanks.
349
00:19:16,851 --> 00:19:18,019
What the fuck?
350
00:19:18,186 --> 00:19:20,438
Holy shit! Dude, what's the matter?
What happened?
351
00:19:20,521 --> 00:19:21,606
What's going on?
352
00:19:21,689 --> 00:19:23,566
There's so much porn!
353
00:19:23,733 --> 00:19:25,610
Well, what the hell are you doing
looking at my private shit?
354
00:19:25,777 --> 00:19:28,446
What are you talking about, "private shit"?
Johnny, it was wide open!
355
00:19:28,529 --> 00:19:30,364
There are literally
thousands of files here!
356
00:19:30,448 --> 00:19:32,200
Well, I've been meaning
to clear some of that out.
357
00:19:32,450 --> 00:19:34,452
Jesus Christ. Look at
the organization here!
358
00:19:34,535 --> 00:19:37,288
Clockwise rim job.
Counterclockwise rim job!
359
00:19:37,455 --> 00:19:39,791
Yeah, well, sometimes you like
seeing the tongue go the other way!
360
00:19:39,874 --> 00:19:42,794
You sick bastard! Look at this!
Chicks with dicks?
361
00:19:43,044 --> 00:19:46,631
Oh, my God!
I have a disease, all right? I need help!
362
00:19:46,798 --> 00:19:49,258
There are no chicks with dicks, Johnny!
Only guys with tits!
363
00:19:49,383 --> 00:19:50,635
Oh, this is such a relief!
364
00:19:50,760 --> 00:19:52,970
I'm so glad I'm finally caught.
I wanted to be caught!
365
00:19:53,137 --> 00:19:55,723
Johnny, now you listen to me. This
is a wake-up call, all right?
366
00:19:55,932 --> 00:19:57,892
You got to get back out
there and meet somebody
367
00:19:57,975 --> 00:19:59,811
because you are spiraling
out of control here.
368
00:19:59,894 --> 00:20:02,396
All right, fine, I will. Just stop
looking at that shit, please!
369
00:20:02,563 --> 00:20:03,648
Johnny, I mean it. All right?
370
00:20:03,773 --> 00:20:05,650
The next chick you meet, you
are getting back in the game.
371
00:20:05,900 --> 00:20:06,984
Fine, I got it. Done.
372
00:20:07,109 --> 00:20:08,820
All right. Now, let's get rid of this.
373
00:20:08,945 --> 00:20:10,822
What do you mean?
We'll just delete the files!
374
00:20:10,947 --> 00:20:12,490
No, no, no. That shit can
always be recovered.
375
00:20:12,615 --> 00:20:14,617
We got to smash your laptop with a hammer.
376
00:20:21,165 --> 00:20:22,250
All right, there, you happy?
377
00:20:22,333 --> 00:20:24,836
No, the circuits could still be
reconstructed if somebody worked at it.
378
00:20:24,919 --> 00:20:26,170
We got to bury it in the harbor.
379
00:20:43,187 --> 00:20:45,273
Okay. We'll come back
once every three months,
380
00:20:45,356 --> 00:20:46,858
take a dive and check on it.
381
00:20:48,084 --> 00:20:51,546
So, uh, basically that's it.
We need a sperm donor.
382
00:20:52,005 --> 00:20:53,048
So what do ya say?
383
00:20:53,173 --> 00:20:54,799
You'd really be helping me and Tami out.
384
00:20:55,050 --> 00:20:56,551
No can do, my brother.
385
00:20:56,843 --> 00:20:58,261
Well...
Well, why not?
386
00:20:58,595 --> 00:21:00,764
Oh, look, I did a lot of blow in the '80s
387
00:21:02,098 --> 00:21:04,267
and my sperm count's a little low.
388
00:21:04,809 --> 00:21:05,810
Oh. How low?
389
00:21:06,269 --> 00:21:07,437
One.
390
00:21:07,521 --> 00:21:08,522
One?
391
00:21:08,605 --> 00:21:12,442
Yeah, little fella's having his
own I Am Legend in my nut sack.
392
00:21:12,651 --> 00:21:14,110
Oh. Can we have that one?
393
00:21:14,194 --> 00:21:17,697
No! Gonna need it for protein
if I ever get lost at sea.
394
00:21:17,864 --> 00:21:19,950
Come on, guys. I mean, are we done here?
I got to go.
395
00:21:20,283 --> 00:21:23,411
That Sister, Sister marathon
ain't gonna watch itself.
396
00:21:24,120 --> 00:21:26,540
Can't believe it.
That son of a bitch!
397
00:21:26,623 --> 00:21:27,916
That was really selfish of him.
398
00:21:27,999 --> 00:21:29,376
I know. And after
I watched his
399
00:21:29,459 --> 00:21:31,211
piece-of-shit movie,
like, a hundred times.
400
00:21:31,670 --> 00:21:32,837
God damn it!
401
00:21:34,089 --> 00:21:35,090
- Ah!
- Oh, shit!
402
00:21:40,804 --> 00:21:42,973
Johnny, please, just help me do this. Okay?
403
00:21:43,056 --> 00:21:44,641
He's the only guy in the world whose sperm
404
00:21:44,724 --> 00:21:45,976
is even close to Flash Gordon's.
405
00:21:46,059 --> 00:21:48,228
Ted, it's insane. We could
get in a lot of trouble.
406
00:21:48,395 --> 00:21:49,771
But not if nobody finds out.
407
00:21:49,854 --> 00:21:50,897
Look, look, John, John.
408
00:21:50,981 --> 00:21:53,316
We sneak into his house,
jerk him off in his sleep
409
00:21:53,400 --> 00:21:55,026
and sneak out with the sperm.
It'll be easy!
410
00:21:55,402 --> 00:21:57,279
And think how awesome the baby will be.
411
00:21:57,862 --> 00:21:59,864
Would be
a sweet-ass fucking baby.
412
00:22:01,157 --> 00:22:03,702
All right, I'll help you. But
we got to have a game plan.
413
00:22:15,922 --> 00:22:17,382
Just calm down.
414
00:22:19,467 --> 00:22:20,552
Yeah, can I help you?
415
00:22:21,469 --> 00:22:24,764
Hey! Um, are you,
uh, Tom Brady?
416
00:22:25,181 --> 00:22:26,182
Yeah.
417
00:22:26,308 --> 00:22:27,434
Um, hey. Um...
418
00:22:27,684 --> 00:22:28,643
Your neighbors called,
419
00:22:28,727 --> 00:22:30,228
and your air conditioner's
making a loud noise
420
00:22:30,312 --> 00:22:31,938
so I'm supposed to check out the unit.
421
00:22:32,022 --> 00:22:33,440
Uh, okay.
Yeah, it's around back.
422
00:22:33,523 --> 00:22:35,900
Okay. Um, I just may need
a signature in case
423
00:22:35,984 --> 00:22:37,569
I got to get some parts, for the billing.
424
00:22:38,236 --> 00:22:41,698
You could just, uh, write that
to John and Ted. Put number 12.
425
00:22:42,324 --> 00:22:45,118
And you're not a cheater. I mean,
I think your balls are perfect.
426
00:22:45,201 --> 00:22:47,037
- It's around back.
- All right. Yeah.
427
00:23:10,477 --> 00:23:12,228
Stupid idiot.
428
00:23:18,902 --> 00:23:20,278
Okay. Go, go, go!
429
00:23:36,753 --> 00:23:38,672
Take the damn raincoat off.
It's making too much noise.
430
00:23:38,755 --> 00:23:40,924
Piss off! I don't wanna get
any jizz on me!
431
00:23:52,060 --> 00:23:55,146
Two League MVPs, four Super Bowl rings,
432
00:23:55,397 --> 00:23:57,982
guaranteed first ballot Hall of Famer.
433
00:23:58,108 --> 00:24:00,819
Now let's give him a handjob
into this red Solo cup.
434
00:24:00,944 --> 00:24:02,404
All right. Go ahead.
435
00:24:02,570 --> 00:24:04,364
Wait, what do you mean,
"Go ahead"? You got to do it.
436
00:24:05,281 --> 00:24:07,200
What are you talking about? You're
the one who needs the sperm.
437
00:24:07,283 --> 00:24:08,660
Yeah, but it's got to be a human hand.
438
00:24:08,743 --> 00:24:10,537
It's got to be skin on skin,
otherwise it doesn't work.
439
00:24:10,704 --> 00:24:11,996
No, it doesn't.
It's just friction.
440
00:24:12,122 --> 00:24:13,873
- Look, I've never done this before.
- Neither have I.
441
00:24:13,957 --> 00:24:15,792
- You do it to yourself.
- Yeah, but that's different.
442
00:24:15,917 --> 00:24:18,503
You're an adult with a poster of
this guy in your fucking room.
443
00:24:18,586 --> 00:24:19,713
You're telling me you don't want this?
444
00:24:20,422 --> 00:24:22,882
Yeah, I want it! You know I
want it, but I'm nervous.
445
00:24:22,966 --> 00:24:25,093
What if he doesn't like the way I'm doing it?
He deserves the best!
446
00:24:25,176 --> 00:24:26,302
Pull yourself together, for God's sakes.
447
00:24:26,386 --> 00:24:27,637
He's gonna love it.
Go, go, go!
448
00:24:28,722 --> 00:24:29,973
All right.
449
00:24:33,643 --> 00:24:35,687
Sweet God and baby Jesus.
450
00:24:36,855 --> 00:24:38,815
And that's at rest.
451
00:24:39,691 --> 00:24:40,817
What the hell?
452
00:24:40,900 --> 00:24:42,318
Mr. Brady, we just need
a moment of your time.
453
00:24:42,402 --> 00:24:43,820
What are you doing here?
Who are you?
454
00:24:43,903 --> 00:24:44,904
Get out of my house!
455
00:24:46,823 --> 00:24:47,907
- Oh, God!
- Ahhh!
456
00:24:49,617 --> 00:24:50,660
Wait, Mr. Brady!
457
00:24:50,744 --> 00:24:52,579
Take your goddamn teddy bear with you!
458
00:24:54,330 --> 00:24:56,583
Holy shit!
Perfect spiral!
459
00:24:56,666 --> 00:24:58,126
Come on, let's get out of here!
460
00:25:07,135 --> 00:25:08,178
Shit!
461
00:25:08,344 --> 00:25:09,679
What the hell do we do now?
462
00:25:11,806 --> 00:25:13,141
Hey, Ted, let me ask you something.
463
00:25:13,308 --> 00:25:14,517
What's that?
464
00:25:15,018 --> 00:25:16,394
Why didn't you just come to me?
465
00:25:16,978 --> 00:25:18,146
What are you talking about?
466
00:25:18,229 --> 00:25:19,564
For the sperm.
467
00:25:19,898 --> 00:25:24,652
Oh. Johnny, you kidding me, man? You
were the first person I wanted to go to.
468
00:25:25,111 --> 00:25:26,780
But you've just been so bummed out
469
00:25:26,863 --> 00:25:27,989
over your divorce lately
470
00:25:28,114 --> 00:25:31,618
that I just... You know, I didn't want
to put you in an awkward position.
471
00:25:31,868 --> 00:25:33,286
And plus, after seeing your laptop,
472
00:25:33,369 --> 00:25:34,871
I didn't think you had any left.
473
00:25:35,205 --> 00:25:37,707
Just so you know, I'm
totally willing to do it.
474
00:25:38,291 --> 00:25:41,586
Really? You'd...
You'd do that for me?
475
00:25:41,836 --> 00:25:44,130
Ted, you're my best friend.
I'd do anything for you.
476
00:25:44,881 --> 00:25:48,384
Besides, we just broke into Tom Brady's
house and tried to jerk him off...
477
00:25:48,468 --> 00:25:50,094
You're ready to be a parent.
478
00:25:50,595 --> 00:25:52,305
God...
479
00:25:52,388 --> 00:25:54,182
I don't know what to say.
480
00:25:54,390 --> 00:25:57,519
Johnny, thank you!
Thank you so much!
481
00:25:57,727 --> 00:26:00,480
Hey, thunder buddies for life, remember?
482
00:26:00,855 --> 00:26:02,690
Thunder buddies for life.
483
00:26:02,857 --> 00:26:05,568
Come on. We got to get out of
here before the cops show up.
484
00:26:05,652 --> 00:26:08,571
All units, we have a 3-17 on Maple Drive.
Area units, please respond.
485
00:26:09,998 --> 00:26:11,499
What's a 3-17?
486
00:26:11,666 --> 00:26:14,544
Someone's trying to steal
Tom Brady's jizz again.
487
00:26:15,212 --> 00:26:16,213
Really?
488
00:26:16,546 --> 00:26:18,048
Welcome to Boston, kid.
489
00:26:31,686 --> 00:26:33,146
- What is that?
- What?
490
00:26:33,230 --> 00:26:34,814
- What are you doing?
- I'm getting ready, dude.
491
00:26:34,898 --> 00:26:35,982
What do you mean you're getting ready?
492
00:26:36,066 --> 00:26:37,234
What are you doing to your hand?
493
00:26:37,359 --> 00:26:39,903
I'm doing this for you. I'm getting ready.
I got to go in and perform.
494
00:26:39,986 --> 00:26:41,571
You got your hand on your dick.
What are you doing?
495
00:26:41,655 --> 00:26:42,906
I'm trying to get it half hard,
496
00:26:43,031 --> 00:26:44,491
so when I get in there
I could just bust it out.
497
00:26:44,574 --> 00:26:46,326
Sitting out here in public, jerking off?
498
00:26:46,409 --> 00:26:48,245
Where do you think you are? Red Lobster?
What are you doing?
499
00:26:48,328 --> 00:26:49,579
What do you think I got to do in there?
500
00:26:49,663 --> 00:26:51,081
Forget it.
Now, look, you haven't
501
00:26:51,164 --> 00:26:52,916
smoked pot for two whole days, right?
502
00:26:52,999 --> 00:26:55,585
Yes, I told you, I'm clean, all right?
Your baby's gonna be fine.
503
00:26:55,669 --> 00:26:57,504
I'm sorry, I just don't want something
504
00:26:57,587 --> 00:27:00,006
I got to feed with
a pitchfork when he's 16.
505
00:27:00,340 --> 00:27:01,424
"John Bennett."
506
00:27:01,549 --> 00:27:02,592
Hi.
507
00:27:02,676 --> 00:27:05,345
Right this way. I'll show you
where to deposit your specimen.
508
00:27:06,012 --> 00:27:07,722
Hey, Johnny. Johnny.
509
00:27:17,607 --> 00:27:19,109
I'm John Bennett.
510
00:27:19,401 --> 00:27:21,278
I know, I just said your name.
511
00:27:21,361 --> 00:27:23,947
Oh, right, yeah, sorry,
I'm just a little nervous.
512
00:27:24,030 --> 00:27:26,199
I've been out of the game for a while.
513
00:27:26,408 --> 00:27:27,450
The game?
514
00:27:27,534 --> 00:27:31,621
I don't talk to pretty girls that often.
Pretty women, ladies.
515
00:27:32,247 --> 00:27:33,373
I see.
516
00:27:34,249 --> 00:27:35,875
Hey, when I'm done here, how about a drink?
517
00:27:37,210 --> 00:27:40,547
Oh. I don't mean this.
I meant, like, a regular drink.
518
00:27:40,714 --> 00:27:42,257
I have a boyfriend.
519
00:27:42,966 --> 00:27:46,469
Oh. Yeah, okay, yeah. Too bad.
You're missing out on a great guy.
520
00:27:46,636 --> 00:27:49,639
Um, do I just spit in my hand or do I get
521
00:27:49,723 --> 00:27:51,891
a lube or something?
A magazine?
522
00:27:52,142 --> 00:27:53,643
Video? I like Asian
teen stuff preferably.
523
00:27:53,768 --> 00:27:54,811
There's lube right there.
524
00:27:54,894 --> 00:27:56,646
All right, yeah, thanks.
525
00:28:01,985 --> 00:28:04,821
Uh, excuse me. Where's your
non-jerk-off bathroom?
526
00:28:04,904 --> 00:28:06,323
Down that hallway, to the left.
527
00:28:06,406 --> 00:28:07,824
Okay, thanks.
528
00:28:14,247 --> 00:28:15,665
Oh. No way!
529
00:28:16,916 --> 00:28:20,337
Oh, hey, Doc, is this where you
guys store all the, uh, stuff?
530
00:28:21,254 --> 00:28:24,174
It's the intermediary station
before insemination.
531
00:28:24,299 --> 00:28:25,425
Are you submitting?
532
00:28:25,508 --> 00:28:28,678
No. My friend is, uh, yanking out
a sample in one of the rooms.
533
00:28:29,429 --> 00:28:30,597
- Oh, well, that's a good friend.
- Yeah.
534
00:28:30,680 --> 00:28:31,681
I'm Dr. Danzer.
535
00:28:31,806 --> 00:28:32,849
Oh, cool.
536
00:28:32,974 --> 00:28:36,686
♪Hold me closer, Dr. Danzer♪
537
00:28:36,770 --> 00:28:37,854
Yeah, whatever, I don't know.
538
00:28:37,937 --> 00:28:41,691
Now, wait. You look familiar. Are
you that teddy bear who came alive?
539
00:28:41,858 --> 00:28:43,193
I am. That's me, yeah.
540
00:28:43,276 --> 00:28:44,277
See, I was trying to figure out
541
00:28:44,361 --> 00:28:45,695
where I'd seen you before and that's it.
542
00:28:45,820 --> 00:28:46,863
Good eye, good eye.
543
00:28:46,946 --> 00:28:50,367
So, how did you get into this line of work?
Do you just love cum?
544
00:28:50,867 --> 00:28:51,868
Uh, uh...
545
00:28:51,993 --> 00:28:54,120
Not especially, but I love
helping good people
546
00:28:54,204 --> 00:28:55,955
fulfill their dreams of having children.
547
00:28:56,039 --> 00:28:58,208
It's amazing what we can do here.
548
00:28:58,666 --> 00:29:00,335
You want to have a look?
549
00:29:00,502 --> 00:29:01,961
Yeah, sure.
550
00:29:03,713 --> 00:29:07,467
This is where we perform our
pre-implantation genetic diagnosis.
551
00:29:07,550 --> 00:29:09,552
We can eliminate hereditary diseases,
552
00:29:09,636 --> 00:29:12,806
such as cystic fibrosis, muscular
dystrophy, sickle-cell anemia.
553
00:29:12,889 --> 00:29:14,557
The list goes on and on, really.
554
00:29:14,682 --> 00:29:15,725
Wow.
555
00:29:16,226 --> 00:29:17,894
Hey, Johnny! You did it!
556
00:29:17,977 --> 00:29:18,978
Right here, buddy.
557
00:29:19,062 --> 00:29:20,814
Ew. I mean, awesome!
558
00:29:21,398 --> 00:29:23,149
Excuse me, Doctor,
your wife's on the phone.
559
00:29:23,233 --> 00:29:24,567
She said it's an emergency.
560
00:29:25,026 --> 00:29:26,736
Excuse me, I'll be right back.
561
00:29:28,405 --> 00:29:30,698
You wanna see it? Huh?
You wanna see your kid?
562
00:29:30,865 --> 00:29:32,158
I can see it from here, thanks, yeah.
563
00:29:32,242 --> 00:29:33,576
Dude, take a closer look.
It's your kid.
564
00:29:33,660 --> 00:29:34,661
No, no, no!
Come on!
565
00:29:34,744 --> 00:29:36,579
- You got to take a closer look.
- That's close enough, Johnny!
566
00:29:36,663 --> 00:29:38,498
- He's beautiful. Come on!
- I'll trade you. Catch.
567
00:29:38,581 --> 00:29:40,250
- Oh, shit!
- Oh, God!
568
00:29:40,417 --> 00:29:42,085
Fuck! Dude,
that's somebody's kid!
569
00:29:42,252 --> 00:29:44,587
Well, it's not my fault, A-Rod!
You were supposed to catch it!
570
00:29:44,671 --> 00:29:45,672
We got to find something to scoop it up.
571
00:29:45,755 --> 00:29:47,340
There's containers over there.
Scoop it up with that.
572
00:29:47,424 --> 00:29:48,758
Shit. All right.
573
00:29:49,259 --> 00:29:50,260
No, no, that's not gonna work.
574
00:29:50,385 --> 00:29:52,095
You need two of them. You got
to scoop one into the other.
575
00:29:52,554 --> 00:29:54,097
Oh, shit! Fuck!
576
00:29:55,348 --> 00:29:56,599
- Oh!
- Oh, fuck!
577
00:29:56,683 --> 00:29:57,684
Oh, my God!
578
00:29:57,767 --> 00:29:58,852
Fuck! Fuck!
579
00:29:58,935 --> 00:30:01,104
Oh, my God! It's in my eyes!
580
00:30:01,187 --> 00:30:02,188
I'm blinking it in!
581
00:30:02,272 --> 00:30:03,523
You got to fucking help me!
582
00:30:03,606 --> 00:30:05,191
Oh, my God!
It's in my fucking mouth!
583
00:30:05,275 --> 00:30:07,026
Hang on. I got to
post this on Facebook.
584
00:30:07,110 --> 00:30:08,278
No!
585
00:30:08,611 --> 00:30:11,072
Hashtag "Grr, Mondays."
586
00:30:11,239 --> 00:30:13,116
Oh, my God!
587
00:30:13,199 --> 00:30:15,118
- Look, I'm so sorry!
- We swear to God, it was an accident.
588
00:30:15,201 --> 00:30:16,286
We're so sorry.
589
00:30:16,619 --> 00:30:20,123
Well, I guess it's all right. Those
are the rejected sickle-cell samples.
590
00:30:20,290 --> 00:30:21,708
Ah, you hear that, Johnny?
591
00:30:21,791 --> 00:30:23,710
You're covered in
rejected black-guy sperm.
592
00:30:23,793 --> 00:30:25,128
You look like a Kardashian.
593
00:30:25,295 --> 00:30:26,588
Fuck!
594
00:30:38,933 --> 00:30:41,060
No, make sure you have all the updated
595
00:30:41,144 --> 00:30:42,729
information on our Comic Con placement.
596
00:30:42,812 --> 00:30:46,149
This has to be the biggest, most
impressive rollout at the convention.
597
00:30:46,274 --> 00:30:47,317
Morning, Mr. Jessup.
598
00:30:48,067 --> 00:30:49,569
Good morning. Now...
599
00:30:49,652 --> 00:30:51,154
My name's Donny.
600
00:30:51,321 --> 00:30:53,573
- Hi, Donny.
- Hi.
601
00:30:53,656 --> 00:30:55,325
Now this is
a multi-platform release,
602
00:30:55,408 --> 00:30:56,576
so I want a full report on all...
603
00:30:56,659 --> 00:30:57,911
Fresh cakes.
604
00:30:59,954 --> 00:31:00,997
What?
605
00:31:01,080 --> 00:31:02,499
In the urinals, sir.
606
00:31:03,082 --> 00:31:05,084
I noticed you always use urinal four,
607
00:31:05,168 --> 00:31:06,920
so I put fresh cakes in there for you.
608
00:31:07,003 --> 00:31:10,006
You're an important man. You
should never have to smell pee.
609
00:31:10,798 --> 00:31:13,635
See, most people flip the cakes.
610
00:31:14,177 --> 00:31:15,845
I replace the cakes.
611
00:31:16,763 --> 00:31:18,848
That's the Donny difference.
612
00:31:21,017 --> 00:31:23,937
I need a full report on all the
placement of our merchandise.
613
00:31:24,020 --> 00:31:26,189
Contact Bob Jennings at Javits...
614
00:31:54,008 --> 00:31:55,051
Hi, Ted.
615
00:31:56,386 --> 00:31:57,804
I've missed you.
616
00:31:59,681 --> 00:32:00,890
I love you!
617
00:32:01,641 --> 00:32:03,518
I love you too.
618
00:32:04,894 --> 00:32:06,896
I love you too!
619
00:32:06,980 --> 00:32:08,231
I love you too!
620
00:32:12,068 --> 00:32:13,403
Pretty soon,
621
00:32:13,486 --> 00:32:15,321
you'll be saying that for real.
622
00:32:15,905 --> 00:32:18,157
Pretty soon, pretty soon, pretty soon.
623
00:32:18,241 --> 00:32:20,243
This is gonna work. This is gonna work.
This is gonna work.
624
00:32:21,536 --> 00:32:22,579
Okay.
625
00:32:28,042 --> 00:32:29,085
Okay.
626
00:32:30,086 --> 00:32:31,087
Okay.
627
00:32:38,094 --> 00:32:41,347
No, no, no, no, no!
No, no, no, no, no!
628
00:32:41,889 --> 00:32:42,932
Oh, shit!
629
00:32:49,272 --> 00:32:50,356
Soon, my love.
630
00:32:52,066 --> 00:32:53,109
Soon.
631
00:32:55,612 --> 00:32:57,113
I'm afraid I have bad news.
632
00:32:57,530 --> 00:33:00,283
I won't be able to perform
the implantation procedure.
633
00:33:00,450 --> 00:33:02,118
- Wait, what?
- Why not?
634
00:33:02,285 --> 00:33:06,289
Tami-Lynn, according to your test
results, you're no longer fertile.
635
00:33:06,456 --> 00:33:07,457
What?
636
00:33:07,582 --> 00:33:09,459
Wait, Doc, are you sure about that?
637
00:33:09,626 --> 00:33:11,753
I mean, maybe you should check
again or something, you know?
638
00:33:11,961 --> 00:33:13,129
I'm quite sure.
639
00:33:13,296 --> 00:33:16,382
Tami-Lynn, because of your
history of excessive drug use
640
00:33:17,050 --> 00:33:20,428
your ovarian canal
has been somewhat compromised.
641
00:33:20,595 --> 00:33:22,305
- What are you talking about? It looks fine.
- Yeah.
642
00:33:23,473 --> 00:33:25,808
Forgive me, that's a normal ovary.
643
00:33:25,892 --> 00:33:27,435
This is Tami-Lynn's.
644
00:33:27,602 --> 00:33:28,770
Jesus!
645
00:33:28,895 --> 00:33:31,147
Yeah, but I bet this stuff happens a lot.
646
00:33:31,230 --> 00:33:33,316
You probably see this kind of
stuff all the time, right?
647
00:33:33,650 --> 00:33:35,902
No, not once, not ever.
648
00:33:36,069 --> 00:33:39,280
When I saw this, I threw up.
Almost quit medicine.
649
00:33:39,489 --> 00:33:42,283
Bottom line is,
insemination is not possible.
650
00:33:42,825 --> 00:33:45,953
I don't understand, okay?
None of this makes any sense.
651
00:33:46,037 --> 00:33:47,997
It's okay. It's okay, honey.
Come on, let's just go.
652
00:33:48,081 --> 00:33:49,499
No, what does this mean, Teddy?
653
00:33:49,582 --> 00:33:50,750
Does it mean we can't have a baby?
654
00:33:50,833 --> 00:33:52,335
I don't know.
But it's gonna be okay.
655
00:33:52,460 --> 00:33:53,961
Everything's gonna be okay.
656
00:33:54,128 --> 00:33:55,338
It really isn't.
657
00:34:07,809 --> 00:34:10,269
Teddy, I got a really
good feeling about this.
658
00:34:10,353 --> 00:34:11,396
I know, me too.
659
00:34:11,604 --> 00:34:13,189
I mean, adoption's great, right?
660
00:34:13,272 --> 00:34:14,315
Oh, yeah, I mean,
661
00:34:14,399 --> 00:34:15,900
Steve Jobs was adopted.
662
00:34:15,983 --> 00:34:18,778
Yeah! Yeah, and also a million
kids who did nothing.
663
00:34:20,029 --> 00:34:21,239
You know, Teddy,
664
00:34:22,031 --> 00:34:25,368
this has been nice, you and
me doing this together.
665
00:34:25,451 --> 00:34:27,829
I mean, it's like we have a
common goal or something, right?
666
00:34:27,912 --> 00:34:30,748
Yeah, I love hearing you say that,
'cause I feel exactly the same way.
667
00:34:30,832 --> 00:34:32,542
And we ain't fought in, like, a week.
668
00:34:32,625 --> 00:34:34,001
I know, we haven't! It's...
669
00:34:34,085 --> 00:34:36,379
Hey, you know what? If the baby
works out, we should get a dog.
670
00:34:36,754 --> 00:34:38,631
Oh, my God.
A German shepherd.
671
00:34:38,715 --> 00:34:40,466
A German shepherd and a baby, together.
672
00:34:40,550 --> 00:34:41,759
It's like the perfect family.
673
00:34:41,843 --> 00:34:43,261
And a gun, to protect us all!
674
00:34:43,344 --> 00:34:46,055
Yes! Okay, as soon as we get
the baby, we get the gun.
675
00:34:46,139 --> 00:34:47,807
I love our
gun-dog-baby family.
676
00:34:50,710 --> 00:34:52,962
Well, I have gone through your application
677
00:34:53,045 --> 00:34:55,256
and vetted your personal histories,
678
00:34:56,424 --> 00:34:58,342
and I'm afraid this isn't gonna work out.
679
00:34:59,427 --> 00:35:00,511
What?
680
00:35:00,678 --> 00:35:01,762
Why not?
681
00:35:01,846 --> 00:35:03,389
Well, first of all, there's the question
682
00:35:03,472 --> 00:35:05,141
of Tami-Lynn's
drug conviction.
683
00:35:05,307 --> 00:35:07,059
Hey, I did my community service.
684
00:35:07,143 --> 00:35:09,770
Yeah, besides, that was five years ago.
She's clean.
685
00:35:10,563 --> 00:35:11,814
There's another issue,
686
00:35:11,897 --> 00:35:14,942
and, honestly, it's the more serious one.
687
00:35:15,025 --> 00:35:17,278
I was reluctant to bring it up because
688
00:35:18,571 --> 00:35:20,072
it's a little awkward.
689
00:35:20,865 --> 00:35:24,910
Ted, in the eyes of the
state, you are not a person.
690
00:35:26,120 --> 00:35:27,705
Wait, what?
691
00:35:28,789 --> 00:35:31,000
The state official I spoke to said
692
00:35:31,083 --> 00:35:34,211
that technically, you are
classified as property.
693
00:35:36,380 --> 00:35:38,799
I'm not a person?
694
00:35:39,216 --> 00:35:42,052
Not according to
the government. I'm sorry.
695
00:35:42,136 --> 00:35:43,846
But that is so fucked up!
696
00:35:44,597 --> 00:35:45,890
"Property"?
697
00:35:45,973 --> 00:35:47,975
You know what, Teddy?
Let's get out of here.
698
00:35:48,225 --> 00:35:49,226
Come on.
699
00:35:50,853 --> 00:35:51,979
Look.
700
00:35:52,146 --> 00:35:53,939
You seem like good people.
701
00:35:54,106 --> 00:35:55,357
Be careful.
702
00:35:55,524 --> 00:35:57,526
What do you mean, "Be careful"?
703
00:35:57,610 --> 00:35:59,570
The state official I spoke to
704
00:35:59,653 --> 00:36:03,282
made it sound like your status had
gone under the radar for some time.
705
00:36:03,824 --> 00:36:06,494
Your adoption request may
have raised some red flags.
706
00:36:07,077 --> 00:36:09,830
If they choose to investigate the issue,
707
00:36:09,997 --> 00:36:12,541
it may leave you quite vulnerable.
708
00:36:25,679 --> 00:36:28,140
Hey. I just got off work
and heard your message.
709
00:36:28,224 --> 00:36:29,850
Is that for real? Did they
actually tell you that?
710
00:36:29,934 --> 00:36:31,644
Yeah, it's unbelievable.
"Property."
711
00:36:31,852 --> 00:36:33,437
They said I'm property.
712
00:36:33,687 --> 00:36:35,606
What does that even mean?
Like, you're a thing?
713
00:36:35,689 --> 00:36:37,525
What, like garbage or a piece of shit?
714
00:36:37,983 --> 00:36:41,445
I mean, maybe more like a
hammer or an orange, but yeah.
715
00:36:41,529 --> 00:36:42,738
What the hell do they know?
716
00:36:42,822 --> 00:36:43,864
It's just a word.
717
00:36:43,948 --> 00:36:46,325
They can't change your whole life
just by calling you property!
718
00:36:46,408 --> 00:36:49,328
Bullshit!
You better ask my ancestors.
719
00:36:49,537 --> 00:36:51,872
One minute, you in Africa,
washing your clothes
720
00:36:51,956 --> 00:36:53,874
in the river,
titties out. You good.
721
00:36:54,041 --> 00:36:55,751
Then all of a sudden, you somewhere
722
00:36:55,835 --> 00:36:57,753
across the world, fucking Thomas Jefferson.
723
00:36:57,878 --> 00:37:00,214
Wow! You make
history come alive.
724
00:37:00,422 --> 00:37:02,299
Why the hell is this just coming up now?
725
00:37:02,550 --> 00:37:04,552
I mean, I've never voted.
726
00:37:04,718 --> 00:37:07,304
I don't have a driver's
license, I don't pay taxes.
727
00:37:07,388 --> 00:37:09,431
I mean, hell, this is
the first job I ever had.
728
00:37:10,933 --> 00:37:13,394
Ted, can I see you for a moment?
729
00:37:14,937 --> 00:37:16,063
I'm sorry,
730
00:37:16,146 --> 00:37:17,690
but I'm gonna have to let you go.
731
00:37:17,898 --> 00:37:21,569
What? Why? I've been busting my
ass at this job for three years!
732
00:37:21,819 --> 00:37:24,071
I just got a call from
the Labor Department.
733
00:37:25,072 --> 00:37:27,032
I can't legally keep you on as an employee
734
00:37:27,116 --> 00:37:29,326
because I've been informed
that you're technically...
735
00:37:29,410 --> 00:37:32,621
Technically not a person.
Yeah. Jesus Christ!
736
00:37:33,163 --> 00:37:36,959
I'm sorry. But as of today,
you're fired.
737
00:37:40,379 --> 00:37:42,423
"Dear Ted, your Chase bank account
738
00:37:42,506 --> 00:37:44,633
has been terminated due to
a lack of citizenship."
739
00:37:45,050 --> 00:37:47,595
"Dear Ted, your Discover card
has been revoked."
740
00:37:47,678 --> 00:37:50,598
"Dear Ted, you are no longer
a Papa Gino's rewards member."
741
00:37:50,806 --> 00:37:52,099
Fuck, that's a big one.
742
00:37:52,266 --> 00:37:54,226
This poor baby bootie.
743
00:37:54,768 --> 00:37:58,772
It's always gonna be empty. There's
never gonna be a little foot in here.
744
00:37:58,939 --> 00:38:02,192
I don't understand. We would
have made such great parents.
745
00:38:03,360 --> 00:38:04,570
Oh, my God.
746
00:38:04,945 --> 00:38:06,363
Oh, my God, Teddy!
747
00:38:06,447 --> 00:38:07,406
What? What's wrong?
748
00:38:07,489 --> 00:38:08,782
Look at this.
749
00:38:08,949 --> 00:38:10,159
"Dear Ted,
750
00:38:10,451 --> 00:38:13,120
the state of Massachusetts
regrets to inform you
751
00:38:13,203 --> 00:38:16,248
that due to an oversight
regarding your legal status
752
00:38:16,790 --> 00:38:21,337
your marriage to Tami-Lynn McCafferty
is unrecognized by the state
753
00:38:21,420 --> 00:38:24,340
and, therefore, invalid
and hereby annulled."
754
00:38:24,715 --> 00:38:26,508
Teddy, can they do this to us?
755
00:38:26,592 --> 00:38:27,635
Let me see that.
756
00:38:31,472 --> 00:38:33,140
This is a nightmare.
757
00:38:36,310 --> 00:38:37,645
You fucking believe that?
758
00:38:37,811 --> 00:38:39,813
No. This is insane.
759
00:38:39,980 --> 00:38:41,774
I mean, Tami's the woman I love.
760
00:38:41,982 --> 00:38:44,109
You know, I never would even
have tried to adopt a dog
761
00:38:44,193 --> 00:38:46,403
if I had known it was gonna cause
me this kind of shit storm.
762
00:38:46,487 --> 00:38:48,238
This whole thing is complete bullshit.
763
00:38:48,364 --> 00:38:50,366
I mean, if you ask me, we got to fight it.
764
00:38:50,908 --> 00:38:52,868
- What do you mean?
- I mean, we get a lawyer.
765
00:38:53,452 --> 00:38:54,745
Oh, my God. Can we do that?
766
00:38:54,870 --> 00:38:56,205
Hell yeah!
You know what we do?
767
00:38:56,288 --> 00:38:57,498
We'll get a lawyer and we'll sue
768
00:38:57,581 --> 00:38:59,166
the fucking government
for your civil rights!
769
00:38:59,291 --> 00:39:01,126
Johnny, that's a great idea!
770
00:39:01,293 --> 00:39:03,420
Hey, hey! Maybe we get one of
them Harrison Ford lawyers
771
00:39:03,504 --> 00:39:05,923
who gets shot in the head, then turns
all retarded and nice and goes,
772
00:39:06,006 --> 00:39:07,091
"What we're doing is wrong."
773
00:39:07,174 --> 00:39:09,301
Yes. You know what, we get out there
and we stick it to them good.
774
00:39:09,385 --> 00:39:11,428
We take that shit all the way
up to Judge Judy if we have to.
775
00:39:11,512 --> 00:39:12,554
Yeah.
776
00:39:12,638 --> 00:39:15,182
But we don't know any lawyers.
All our friends make sandwiches.
777
00:39:15,391 --> 00:39:17,685
- Oh, we just Google "Boston lawyers."
- Ah.
778
00:39:19,144 --> 00:39:21,313
Jesus. Look at
that black cock.
779
00:39:41,458 --> 00:39:42,543
Uh...
780
00:39:43,085 --> 00:39:46,171
This is a very complicated
case you have here.
781
00:39:46,255 --> 00:39:50,801
Most civil rights cases are, but this
one has some very obvious wrinkles.
782
00:39:51,093 --> 00:39:53,095
Well, everybody says
you're the best in town.
783
00:39:53,262 --> 00:39:56,890
Listen, your case is not gonna be cheap.
784
00:39:57,057 --> 00:39:59,059
What is your financial situation?
785
00:39:59,351 --> 00:40:02,312
Uh, all of our holdings are
tied up in the railroads.
786
00:40:02,396 --> 00:40:04,815
Yeah, Reading Railroad, BandO
Railroad, Pennsylvania Railroad.
787
00:40:04,898 --> 00:40:08,027
We're working on Short Line. Um, I own
Atlantic Avenue and Marvin Gardens.
788
00:40:08,110 --> 00:40:09,611
And I own four houses on Baltic Ave.
789
00:40:09,695 --> 00:40:11,697
I was thinking about just tearing
them down and building a hotel.
790
00:40:11,780 --> 00:40:14,491
I won second prize in a beauty contest.
That's $50 right there.
791
00:40:14,575 --> 00:40:16,493
Are you guys just saying Monopoly stuff?
792
00:40:16,785 --> 00:40:18,162
Tell you what, I'm gonna
go drive around the block,
793
00:40:18,245 --> 00:40:19,621
and I'll be back with $200.
794
00:40:19,747 --> 00:40:21,749
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
795
00:40:21,915 --> 00:40:24,001
My niece recently passed her bar exam
796
00:40:24,084 --> 00:40:27,212
and I've hired her on as a junior
associate here at the firm.
797
00:40:27,337 --> 00:40:29,673
I could assign her to your case, pro Bono.
798
00:40:29,798 --> 00:40:31,592
And then you would get
a hungry, young attorney
799
00:40:31,675 --> 00:40:34,928
and I would get a more
experienced lawyer in return.
800
00:40:35,220 --> 00:40:36,472
So what do you say to that?
801
00:40:36,722 --> 00:40:38,766
Yeah, sure, sounds great.
802
00:40:39,266 --> 00:40:41,560
Um, are those hard candies,
like, just to take?
803
00:40:42,478 --> 00:40:44,354
Uh, those aren't supposed to be out.
804
00:40:55,115 --> 00:40:56,116
Hello?
805
00:40:56,283 --> 00:40:58,368
Oh! Fuck!
806
00:40:59,119 --> 00:41:00,120
Hi.
807
00:41:00,204 --> 00:41:01,205
You okay?
808
00:41:01,288 --> 00:41:02,873
Yeah! I'm fine.
809
00:41:02,956 --> 00:41:04,208
You must be Ted.
810
00:41:04,291 --> 00:41:06,210
Yeah. Uh, I'm Ted,
811
00:41:06,293 --> 00:41:07,711
- this is my buddy, John.
- Hi.
812
00:41:07,795 --> 00:41:11,298
Um, my uncle says that you
guys are my first clients.
813
00:41:11,632 --> 00:41:14,593
Uh, it's been discussed,
814
00:41:15,094 --> 00:41:16,762
but do you mind if I ask how old you are?
815
00:41:16,929 --> 00:41:18,430
I'm 26.
816
00:41:18,639 --> 00:41:19,640
Ah.
817
00:41:19,890 --> 00:41:21,350
What, is there a problem?
818
00:41:21,433 --> 00:41:23,393
Well, you know, I just don't
want my lawyer singing.
819
00:41:23,477 --> 00:41:25,229
Frozen songs during the opening arguments.
820
00:41:25,312 --> 00:41:27,064
It's just this is a really important case.
821
00:41:27,147 --> 00:41:29,525
Ted has already lost his job,
his marriage has been annulled.
822
00:41:29,608 --> 00:41:31,860
I know. My uncle
gave me all the details.
823
00:41:32,027 --> 00:41:34,154
Right. You see, the thing is, we
don't want to take any chances
824
00:41:34,238 --> 00:41:36,198
because the stakes are so significant.
825
00:41:36,323 --> 00:41:37,491
We can't just rush into anything.
826
00:41:37,574 --> 00:41:38,992
We got to make sure we're
making the right decision.
827
00:41:39,076 --> 00:41:40,410
We really appreciate your time,
828
00:41:40,494 --> 00:41:41,703
but I think what we're probably gonna do is
829
00:41:41,787 --> 00:41:43,330
just take a seat and get to work.
830
00:41:43,413 --> 00:41:44,414
Trust you completely.
831
00:41:44,498 --> 00:41:45,874
Yeah, we really feel like
you got a lot to offer.
832
00:41:48,293 --> 00:41:49,294
Sorry.
833
00:41:49,378 --> 00:41:50,504
You don't mind the pot, do you?
834
00:41:50,671 --> 00:41:51,713
I get migraines.
835
00:41:51,797 --> 00:41:53,257
- Oh, absolutely, me, too.
- That's fine.
836
00:41:53,340 --> 00:41:55,968
I'm gonna get a huge migraine in the
parking lot in about 20 minutes.
837
00:41:56,135 --> 00:41:57,886
Oh, I'm Samantha Jackson.
838
00:41:58,053 --> 00:41:59,555
Ted. How are ya?
839
00:41:59,721 --> 00:42:01,431
- Good to meet you. John.
- Nice to meet you.
840
00:42:01,515 --> 00:42:03,058
Wait, wait, wait.
What's your middle name?
841
00:42:03,642 --> 00:42:04,643
Leslie.
842
00:42:04,893 --> 00:42:07,938
Oh, my God! So you're Sam L. Jackson!
843
00:42:08,021 --> 00:42:09,898
That's fucking great!
Just like Sam L. Jackson!
844
00:42:10,023 --> 00:42:11,066
Who is that?
845
00:42:11,191 --> 00:42:14,194
You ever seen any movie ever?
He's the black guy.
846
00:42:17,030 --> 00:42:18,490
That weed is really good.
847
00:42:18,574 --> 00:42:19,950
It reminds me of the strain I smoked
848
00:42:20,033 --> 00:42:21,618
last summer called
"Here Comes Autism."
849
00:42:21,869 --> 00:42:24,288
Yeah, I was just gonna say it's sort
of like this other batch we had called.
850
00:42:24,371 --> 00:42:25,998
"How Long Has
That Van Been There?"
851
00:42:26,331 --> 00:42:29,585
No, it's this new strain my dealer
gave me called "Help Me Get Home."
852
00:42:29,710 --> 00:42:31,837
You know, I'm surprised a
lawyer like you gets high.
853
00:42:31,920 --> 00:42:33,297
I mean, aren't you supposed to be fighting
854
00:42:33,380 --> 00:42:34,840
the War on Drugs and all that shit?
855
00:42:35,090 --> 00:42:37,050
Please, the War on Drugs is a joke.
856
00:42:37,176 --> 00:42:38,468
It's just a way for the government
857
00:42:38,552 --> 00:42:39,970
to inflate law enforcement budgets
858
00:42:40,053 --> 00:42:42,681
and lock up minorities
for no good legal reason.
859
00:42:42,764 --> 00:42:45,350
And you, my friend,
are an oppressed minority.
860
00:42:45,517 --> 00:42:47,102
Yeah. No shit.
861
00:42:47,186 --> 00:42:49,396
They've denied you the same
rights as everybody else
862
00:42:49,479 --> 00:42:50,772
just because you're different,
863
00:42:50,856 --> 00:42:53,483
and I say that's a violation
of the Constitution.
864
00:42:53,942 --> 00:42:56,069
So what do you say?
Can you get me my life back?
865
00:42:59,781 --> 00:43:01,200
I'm gonna try.
866
00:43:01,533 --> 00:43:02,993
Hey, guys?
867
00:43:03,076 --> 00:43:05,162
I'm having some trouble over here.
868
00:43:05,454 --> 00:43:06,455
What's the matter?
869
00:43:07,873 --> 00:43:09,291
Can you help me get home?
870
00:43:10,209 --> 00:43:12,336
I'm having a really hard time here, guys.
871
00:43:12,419 --> 00:43:14,046
Johnny, it's okay, buddy. It's okay.
872
00:43:14,129 --> 00:43:15,297
You're doing fine.
You're doing great.
873
00:43:15,380 --> 00:43:16,340
No, I'm scared. All right.
874
00:43:16,423 --> 00:43:18,300
I know. Come on,
it's okay, though.
875
00:43:18,383 --> 00:43:19,927
You just have to hang onto the wall.
876
00:43:21,345 --> 00:43:22,763
Don't let the goose get me!
877
00:43:23,263 --> 00:43:24,598
How far away does he live?
878
00:43:25,098 --> 00:43:26,266
Uh, about a mile-and-a-half.
879
00:43:26,475 --> 00:43:27,517
Fuck, okay.
880
00:43:27,601 --> 00:43:30,479
Hey, it's okay. One foot
in front of the other.
881
00:43:40,113 --> 00:43:43,492
All right, I got Dred Scott v.
Sandford, Plessy v. Ferguson
882
00:43:43,575 --> 00:43:45,369
and Brown v.
the Board of Education.
883
00:43:45,452 --> 00:43:49,790
I got Kramer vs. Kramer, Alien vs.
Predator, and Freddy vs. Jason.
884
00:43:49,873 --> 00:43:53,168
I got, uh, Ernest Goes to
Camp, Ernest Goes to Jail
885
00:43:53,252 --> 00:43:56,505
and The Importance of Being Earnest,
which was very disappointing.
886
00:44:18,068 --> 00:44:19,903
Okay. I'm gonna ask you a few test questions.
Are you ready?
887
00:44:19,987 --> 00:44:21,071
Yep, bring it on.
888
00:44:21,154 --> 00:44:22,781
You're on the stand, the DA says,
889
00:44:22,864 --> 00:44:25,033
"Ted, do you consider yourself
to be human?"
890
00:44:25,117 --> 00:44:26,243
- Objection!
- Sustained!
891
00:44:26,326 --> 00:44:27,327
No, the witness can't object.
892
00:44:27,411 --> 00:44:28,412
- Overruled!
- Sidebar?
893
00:44:28,495 --> 00:44:29,454
- Guilty!
- Speculation!
894
00:44:29,538 --> 00:44:31,039
- Hearsay! Briefcase!
- Bailiff! Disregard!
895
00:44:31,123 --> 00:44:32,624
- In my chambers!
- Stop beavering the witness!
896
00:44:32,749 --> 00:44:34,042
- I rest.
- We could totally be lawyers.
897
00:44:34,126 --> 00:44:35,127
Bang.
898
00:46:00,253 --> 00:46:02,839
Oh, my God! I'm gonna
fall off the building.
899
00:46:08,428 --> 00:46:10,597
Your Name is Toby!
900
00:46:10,680 --> 00:46:12,599
You're going to learn to say your name.
901
00:46:12,682 --> 00:46:14,309
Let me hear you say it.
902
00:46:15,143 --> 00:46:16,436
What's your name?
903
00:46:17,729 --> 00:46:20,273
Kunta. Kunta Kinte.
904
00:46:20,732 --> 00:46:23,944
That's just like me. That's
exactly what I'm going through.
905
00:46:24,027 --> 00:46:25,445
Well, it's a little different.
906
00:46:25,779 --> 00:46:29,491
You know, Ted, if you legally become a
person, you're gonna need a last name.
907
00:46:29,950 --> 00:46:32,953
Oh, yeah, you're right.
Okay, okay, I got one.
908
00:46:33,342 --> 00:46:34,218
Okay, what is it?
909
00:46:34,385 --> 00:46:35,970
Last name of a movie character.
910
00:46:36,220 --> 00:46:37,680
Ah!
911
00:46:39,098 --> 00:46:40,808
He knows where
this is going. Okay.
912
00:46:40,975 --> 00:46:42,268
- All right, you ready?
- Yep.
913
00:46:42,393 --> 00:46:44,478
- Go!
- Skywalker, Solo, Vader, Kenobi, Palpatine,
914
00:46:44,562 --> 00:46:46,772
Calrissian, Balboa, Rambo,
Griswold, Stifler, Bickle, Gump,
915
00:46:46,856 --> 00:46:48,733
Corleone, Wonka, Zhivago,
Lebowski, Venkman, Spengler,
916
00:46:48,816 --> 00:46:50,484
Stantz, Rizzo, Zuko,
Golightly, Higgins, Dolittle,
917
00:46:50,568 --> 00:46:52,278
Poppins, Bond, Blofeld,
Blutarsky, Lightyear, Soze,
918
00:46:52,361 --> 00:46:53,654
O'Hara, Butler, Dufresne,
Clouseau, McFly,
919
00:46:53,738 --> 00:46:55,156
Baggins, Plissken, Ventura,
Montoya, Burgundy,
920
00:46:55,239 --> 00:46:56,657
Scissorhands, Drebin,
Striker, Bueller, Lector,
921
00:46:56,741 --> 00:46:58,325
Potter, Weasley, Dumbledore,
Sparrow, Doubtfire, Bourne,
922
00:46:58,409 --> 00:46:59,660
Von Trapp, Zoolander,
Kirk, Spock, McCoy...
923
00:46:59,744 --> 00:47:01,912
- Clubber Lang.
- Fucking...
924
00:47:02,163 --> 00:47:03,456
Who is Clubber Lang?
925
00:47:03,622 --> 00:47:04,665
Who's Clubber Lang?
926
00:47:04,749 --> 00:47:06,834
Mr. T's character in Rocky III. Hello?
927
00:47:07,334 --> 00:47:09,170
Is that the boxing movies?
928
00:47:09,253 --> 00:47:10,337
The boxing...
929
00:47:10,421 --> 00:47:12,131
- You've never seen Rocky?
- She's not serious.
930
00:47:12,214 --> 00:47:13,299
You've never seen Rocky?
931
00:47:13,382 --> 00:47:14,425
You know...
932
00:47:17,887 --> 00:47:18,929
You know, Rocky!
933
00:47:19,013 --> 00:47:20,973
I'm not gonna remember
a movie I've never seen
934
00:47:21,056 --> 00:47:22,808
just because you're singing
a song I don't know.
935
00:47:22,892 --> 00:47:25,436
You don't know Samuel L. Jackson,
you don't know Rocky.
936
00:47:25,519 --> 00:47:27,480
You are literally pop culture illiterate.
937
00:47:27,563 --> 00:47:28,814
I have a college degree.
938
00:47:28,898 --> 00:47:31,442
My pop culture references are
Hamlet, Achilles and Dorian Gray.
939
00:47:31,525 --> 00:47:35,029
- Ever heard of any of them?
- No, but I'm pretty sure Mr. T could kick their ass!
940
00:47:35,112 --> 00:47:37,156
Yeah, Sam, you really need to be educated.
941
00:47:37,239 --> 00:47:41,452
Oh, really? Um, can either of you
tell me who wrote The Great Gatsby?
942
00:47:42,077 --> 00:47:43,245
- Judy Blume?
- Hitler?
943
00:47:43,329 --> 00:47:44,538
F. Scott Fitzgerald.
944
00:47:44,622 --> 00:47:46,916
- Who's that?
- The author.
945
00:47:46,999 --> 00:47:49,418
- Why are you saying, "Fuck him"?
- What?
946
00:47:49,502 --> 00:47:51,045
You just said "Eff
Scott Fitzgerald."
947
00:47:51,128 --> 00:47:52,838
- What did Scott Fitzgerald do to you?
- Yeah.
948
00:47:52,922 --> 00:47:54,590
No, that's his first name.
949
00:47:54,673 --> 00:47:56,509
His name's "Fuck Scott Fitzgerald"?
950
00:47:56,592 --> 00:47:59,053
- What? No.
- Well, then, what's the "F" stand for?
951
00:47:59,136 --> 00:48:00,137
Francis.
952
00:48:00,262 --> 00:48:01,722
- No. It's got to be "Fuck."
- It must be "Fuck."
953
00:48:01,806 --> 00:48:03,265
- It's got to be "Fuck."
- It has to be "Fuck."
954
00:48:03,349 --> 00:48:04,600
Why the hell would it be "Fuck"?
955
00:48:04,683 --> 00:48:06,227
Well, because otherwise,
why wouldn't he just say it?
956
00:48:06,310 --> 00:48:07,645
Yeah, he's hiding
something. It's "Fuck."
957
00:48:07,770 --> 00:48:09,605
- Come on, read between the lines, Sam.
- It's "Fuck."
958
00:48:09,688 --> 00:48:11,982
That's completely
insane. You guys are idiots.
959
00:48:12,066 --> 00:48:15,110
Yeah, well, whatever. Ted Clubber Lang.
Get used to it.
960
00:48:20,699 --> 00:48:21,742
Yes!
961
00:48:23,577 --> 00:48:24,620
Sir?
962
00:48:24,954 --> 00:48:27,832
Um, one of the janitors
would like to see you.
963
00:48:28,290 --> 00:48:29,333
I'm busy.
964
00:48:29,750 --> 00:48:31,377
Fresh cakes!
965
00:48:32,253 --> 00:48:33,337
What is it, Danny?
966
00:48:33,546 --> 00:48:34,839
Uh, Donny, sir.
967
00:48:34,922 --> 00:48:38,467
Well, Donny, I'm extremely busy
with the Comic Con presentation...
968
00:48:38,551 --> 00:48:40,803
I'm told that you have an
open-door policy here at Hasbro
969
00:48:40,886 --> 00:48:43,430
for new toy ideas
from any and all employees?
970
00:48:44,473 --> 00:48:46,225
Yeah, I suppose that's true.
971
00:48:47,476 --> 00:48:48,769
All right, come in.
972
00:48:48,936 --> 00:48:50,396
Okay.
973
00:48:50,563 --> 00:48:53,148
Thank you. Thank you. I love your dress.
974
00:48:57,111 --> 00:48:58,946
I love these things!
975
00:48:59,905 --> 00:49:01,323
Look at this!
976
00:49:02,116 --> 00:49:03,242
Oh!
977
00:49:05,202 --> 00:49:07,621
- Don't touch my pony.
- Sorry.
978
00:49:10,804 --> 00:49:11,972
Mr. Jessup,
979
00:49:12,181 --> 00:49:14,600
I can make this company a billion dollars.
980
00:49:14,975 --> 00:49:16,143
I'm listening.
981
00:49:17,269 --> 00:49:18,312
Thirty years ago,
982
00:49:18,479 --> 00:49:20,773
a little boy named John Bennett made a wish
983
00:49:20,856 --> 00:49:23,108
that his teddy bear would come to life.
984
00:49:23,275 --> 00:49:25,527
Somehow, one of our Hasbro bears...
985
00:49:25,611 --> 00:49:27,321
Yes, I'm aware of the story.
986
00:49:29,156 --> 00:49:30,866
Have you seen this?
987
00:49:36,038 --> 00:49:37,122
So what?
988
00:49:37,206 --> 00:49:40,376
Well, Ted is suing for his civil rights.
989
00:49:40,542 --> 00:49:43,420
If he loses, the state
will officially declare him
990
00:49:43,504 --> 00:49:46,131
a non-entity with
no rights under the law.
991
00:49:46,674 --> 00:49:48,801
That means he becomes property.
992
00:49:49,260 --> 00:49:50,427
Mr. Jessup,
993
00:49:51,470 --> 00:49:55,683
we could take him back, with only a
trivial degree of legal consequence
994
00:49:55,766 --> 00:49:57,309
if we were even caught.
995
00:49:57,518 --> 00:49:59,103
And why would we do this?
996
00:49:59,186 --> 00:50:04,191
Sir, if we could cut him open
to see what makes him tick,
997
00:50:04,358 --> 00:50:08,487
we could manufacture millions of
Teds for every child in the world.
998
00:50:08,612 --> 00:50:11,198
Hasbro would double its profits overnight.
999
00:50:12,283 --> 00:50:13,325
Go on.
1000
00:50:13,409 --> 00:50:16,203
We just have to make sure
Ted loses the case.
1001
00:50:16,412 --> 00:50:19,456
You use every back channel, every bribe,
1002
00:50:19,581 --> 00:50:20,833
you call in every favor
1003
00:50:20,916 --> 00:50:25,212
and you get the best lawyer
in the world on the defense.
1004
00:50:25,713 --> 00:50:28,757
When Ted's rights are officially null,
1005
00:50:30,217 --> 00:50:31,677
we grab him.
1006
00:50:33,095 --> 00:50:36,181
No one's going to kick up a
legal fuss over property.
1007
00:50:36,890 --> 00:50:40,102
You're a hell of a lot smarter
than your urinal cakes, Danny.
1008
00:50:40,561 --> 00:50:41,729
Really?
1009
00:50:41,895 --> 00:50:44,231
Now, what exactly do you want from this?
1010
00:50:44,940 --> 00:50:47,693
Mr. Jessup, I'm not interested in money.
1011
00:50:50,112 --> 00:50:52,448
I just want a Ted for my very own.
1012
00:50:53,615 --> 00:50:56,744
All right. I think I can
handle the defense.
1013
00:50:57,745 --> 00:50:59,330
But let's make one thing clear.
1014
00:50:59,413 --> 00:51:01,081
We never had this conversation.
1015
00:51:01,332 --> 00:51:04,752
Goldner and the board cannot know
about this until we have him.
1016
00:51:05,294 --> 00:51:06,670
Do you understand?
1017
00:51:06,754 --> 00:51:08,088
Yes, I do.
1018
00:51:11,633 --> 00:51:13,635
I need Shep Wild.
1019
00:51:16,472 --> 00:51:19,058
That was such
a good dinner, Tami-Lynn.
1020
00:51:19,183 --> 00:51:21,018
I've never had Pringles on my steak before.
1021
00:51:21,101 --> 00:51:22,269
Oh, it's my pleasure.
1022
00:51:22,353 --> 00:51:25,731
It's the least I can do with all
you're doing for us. Really.
1023
00:51:25,814 --> 00:51:28,067
Oh, I haven't done anything yet.
1024
00:51:28,150 --> 00:51:29,860
Well, you know, we wanted
to take you out to dinner,
1025
00:51:29,943 --> 00:51:33,947
but, uh, all we got is Tami's income
these days since nobody will hire me.
1026
00:51:34,031 --> 00:51:35,491
Things are getting really tight, huh?
1027
00:51:35,616 --> 00:51:37,993
Yeah, I've had to do
some things I'm not proud of.
1028
00:51:38,285 --> 00:51:41,663
BJs here! Get your BJs!
Get your red-hot BJs!
1029
00:51:41,747 --> 00:51:44,541
Toothless and ready to go.
Just 3 dollar! 3 dollar!
1030
00:51:44,625 --> 00:51:45,959
Get your BJs here.
1031
00:51:46,377 --> 00:51:47,503
Wow.
1032
00:51:47,586 --> 00:51:48,837
Hey, listen, I got an idea.
1033
00:51:48,921 --> 00:51:51,465
Uh, Tami, what do you say
you and me go do the dishes
1034
00:51:51,548 --> 00:51:54,093
and give Sam and Diane
here some alone time, eh?
1035
00:51:54,426 --> 00:51:56,637
All right, all right.
1036
00:51:56,929 --> 00:51:59,348
Hey, you go pull a bad back, bitch!
1037
00:52:00,974 --> 00:52:02,393
What do you think that was about?
1038
00:52:02,684 --> 00:52:04,728
Oh, it's nothing. That's his way
of saying I should ask you out.
1039
00:52:04,812 --> 00:52:05,854
Ah.
1040
00:52:05,938 --> 00:52:07,022
Uh, yeah, look...
1041
00:52:07,106 --> 00:52:09,733
We should probably focus our
attention on the case for now.
1042
00:52:09,817 --> 00:52:11,443
I completely agree.
1043
00:52:12,486 --> 00:52:16,573
You know, I am a little bit curious. How
is it that a guy like you is unattached?
1044
00:52:17,699 --> 00:52:22,162
Well, I was married at one point,
but it just didn't work out.
1045
00:52:22,329 --> 00:52:24,498
Shits. I'm sorry. That sucks.
1046
00:52:24,665 --> 00:52:28,127
No. I mean, we'd make it work day to day,
1047
00:52:28,585 --> 00:52:30,212
but she was always just trying to change me
1048
00:52:30,295 --> 00:52:31,505
into someone I'm not.
1049
00:52:31,672 --> 00:52:33,382
And I tried, you know?
1050
00:52:34,216 --> 00:52:37,678
I really tried everything I could
to be the man that she wanted.
1051
00:52:38,178 --> 00:52:41,765
One day I woke up and I just
realized I wasn't myself anymore.
1052
00:52:42,599 --> 00:52:46,687
You know, as much as I love this person,
we're completely wrong for each other.
1053
00:52:47,438 --> 00:52:49,606
At least you figured it out early.
1054
00:52:49,898 --> 00:52:51,442
Some people go through their whole lives
1055
00:52:51,525 --> 00:52:53,360
trying to make it work
with the wrong person.
1056
00:52:53,944 --> 00:52:55,195
Yeah.
1057
00:52:56,488 --> 00:52:57,906
So, we're gonna win this thing?
1058
00:52:58,365 --> 00:53:00,242
Honestly, I don't know.
1059
00:53:00,617 --> 00:53:02,119
Oh, we're betting on you.
1060
00:53:02,911 --> 00:53:05,330
Hey, Johnny, come on. It's almost 7:00.
We got to get up there.
1061
00:53:05,414 --> 00:53:06,707
Hey, Sam, you want in on this?
1062
00:53:06,790 --> 00:53:07,833
What is it?
1063
00:53:07,916 --> 00:53:10,919
On Tuesday nights, we get fucked
up and throw apples at joggers.
1064
00:53:15,090 --> 00:53:16,133
Oh, there's one!
1065
00:53:17,801 --> 00:53:19,178
- How's your workout?
- Fuck you!
1066
00:53:19,261 --> 00:53:21,138
- Eat my pussy!
- Have some apples!
1067
00:53:21,221 --> 00:53:22,723
Jesus, what the hell is your problem?
1068
00:53:23,223 --> 00:53:25,434
It's everybody else's fault, Mary Decker!
1069
00:53:25,851 --> 00:53:26,935
Bam!
1070
00:53:27,019 --> 00:53:29,188
You sons of bitches! What the
fuck is your...
1071
00:53:32,441 --> 00:53:34,568
That's the lottery!
That's the lottery!
1072
00:53:34,651 --> 00:53:37,279
That's what you get for fucking exercising!
1073
00:53:37,738 --> 00:53:39,490
That is unbelievable!
1074
00:54:13,941 --> 00:54:15,025
Teddy.
1075
00:54:16,109 --> 00:54:17,528
Teddy, I'm scared.
1076
00:54:17,611 --> 00:54:18,862
Baby, we're gonna be fine.
1077
00:54:18,946 --> 00:54:22,157
I don't care what any fucking piece
of paper says. You're my wife.
1078
00:54:22,533 --> 00:54:24,284
I love you so much.
1079
00:54:24,368 --> 00:54:25,619
And I swear to God, if we lose,
1080
00:54:25,702 --> 00:54:27,287
I'm gonna fucking cut that judge.
1081
00:54:27,454 --> 00:54:28,997
Wait a minute.
You brought your switchblade?
1082
00:54:29,081 --> 00:54:30,082
Yeah.
1083
00:54:30,165 --> 00:54:32,543
But they patted us down on the way in here.
Where'd you even hide it?
1084
00:54:32,626 --> 00:54:34,044
Oh!
1085
00:54:35,295 --> 00:54:36,338
Hey, Sam.
1086
00:54:37,130 --> 00:54:38,715
Who's that buttnut over there?
1087
00:54:41,176 --> 00:54:44,304
That is why we've been working so hard.
That's Shep Wild.
1088
00:54:44,388 --> 00:54:46,139
It's our bad luck
they put him on the trial.
1089
00:54:46,807 --> 00:54:48,600
He's never lost a case in his life.
1090
00:54:49,226 --> 00:54:52,938
Mr. Wild, your opening
statement, if you please.
1091
00:54:53,230 --> 00:54:54,606
Thank you, Your Honor.
1092
00:54:55,524 --> 00:54:58,318
I would first like to thank the
ladies and gentlemen of the jury
1093
00:54:58,694 --> 00:55:01,488
for taking time out of their busy schedules
1094
00:55:01,905 --> 00:55:03,740
to be a part of these proceedings.
1095
00:55:04,199 --> 00:55:09,413
Now, the case we'll be examining
today is really quite a simple one.
1096
00:55:09,788 --> 00:55:12,040
Is Ted a human being?
1097
00:55:12,499 --> 00:55:14,084
Or a piece of property?
1098
00:55:14,918 --> 00:55:20,716
You know, it really is a very special,
very unique thing to be human.
1099
00:55:21,425 --> 00:55:25,304
It's a gift from God bestowed
upon only one species.
1100
00:55:25,762 --> 00:55:26,805
Us.
1101
00:55:27,431 --> 00:55:30,225
But if we suddenly decide
to share that gift,
1102
00:55:31,226 --> 00:55:32,686
where does that lead us?
1103
00:55:33,353 --> 00:55:35,355
Does your dog deserve human rights?
1104
00:55:35,856 --> 00:55:37,149
Your cat?
1105
00:55:37,232 --> 00:55:38,650
Your toaster?
1106
00:55:41,862 --> 00:55:45,073
Suddenly, being human doesn't
seem so special anymore, does it?
1107
00:55:46,241 --> 00:55:48,952
I'm confident you'll
make the right decision.
1108
00:55:49,995 --> 00:55:52,748
Thank you, Mr. Wild,
for your opening statement.
1109
00:55:53,123 --> 00:55:54,333
Ms. Jackson?
1110
00:56:00,255 --> 00:56:01,465
Hi.
1111
00:56:02,382 --> 00:56:04,259
I am Samantha Jackson.
1112
00:56:04,718 --> 00:56:06,928
I got to be honest
with you. I'm...
1113
00:56:07,721 --> 00:56:09,640
I'm a little nervous.
1114
00:56:10,098 --> 00:56:11,767
Why am I nervous? Um...
1115
00:56:12,851 --> 00:56:16,396
Well, not because I'm a junior
attorney arguing her first case.
1116
00:56:17,064 --> 00:56:18,649
And not because some of you might laugh
1117
00:56:18,732 --> 00:56:21,443
at the fact that
I'm representing a teddy bear.
1118
00:56:24,237 --> 00:56:28,533
No, I'm... I'm nervous
because of one simple word.
1119
00:56:30,994 --> 00:56:32,245
"Justice."
1120
00:56:33,163 --> 00:56:37,834
I'm nervous that you're going to be swayed
1121
00:56:38,001 --> 00:56:41,004
by smooth talk and a haircut,
1122
00:56:41,254 --> 00:56:45,384
and forget about the most
important aspect of this case.
1123
00:56:46,760 --> 00:56:47,928
Justice.
1124
00:56:49,680 --> 00:56:51,056
A hundred and fifty years ago
1125
00:56:51,181 --> 00:56:53,517
a slave by the name of Dred Scott
1126
00:56:53,600 --> 00:56:57,187
sued to prove that he was a person
and not a piece of property.
1127
00:56:57,646 --> 00:56:59,106
He lost.
1128
00:56:59,356 --> 00:57:03,360
And as history has shown
us, that wasn't justice.
1129
00:57:05,654 --> 00:57:08,323
In every civil rights conflict,
1130
00:57:08,990 --> 00:57:13,036
we are only able to recognize
the just point of view
1131
00:57:13,120 --> 00:57:14,955
years after the fact.
1132
00:57:15,455 --> 00:57:17,624
And when the next conflict comes along,
1133
00:57:17,791 --> 00:57:20,794
we're once again blind
to it as it's happening.
1134
00:57:21,795 --> 00:57:25,215
"Well, this is different,"
we say, but it isn't.
1135
00:57:26,383 --> 00:57:29,553
It is the same beast, just
wearing a different face,
1136
00:57:29,636 --> 00:57:31,263
and it's happening again today.
1137
00:57:32,806 --> 00:57:36,017
So I urge you, ladies and
gentlemen of the jury,
1138
00:57:36,184 --> 00:57:39,312
not to be a footnote
on the wrong side of history.
1139
00:57:41,982 --> 00:57:44,151
Don't wait too long to be right.
1140
00:57:45,819 --> 00:57:46,903
Thank you.
1141
00:57:50,991 --> 00:57:51,992
Erection.
1142
00:57:52,159 --> 00:57:53,702
Sustained.
1143
00:57:56,329 --> 00:57:59,332
Ms. McCafferty, you and Ted recently
considered adopting a child.
1144
00:57:59,416 --> 00:58:00,459
Is that correct?
1145
00:58:00,834 --> 00:58:01,877
Yeah.
1146
00:58:02,294 --> 00:58:03,587
And if I may inquire,
1147
00:58:03,670 --> 00:58:05,922
why did you not choose to
have a child of your own?
1148
00:58:06,631 --> 00:58:08,133
Because Teddy ain't got no dick.
1149
00:58:11,887 --> 00:58:12,929
Uh-huh.
1150
00:58:13,013 --> 00:58:17,726
And, uh, why does Ted not
possess a, uh, male appendage?
1151
00:58:18,185 --> 00:58:19,561
Is it a freak of genetics?
1152
00:58:19,853 --> 00:58:22,272
No, asshole, he ain't got a dick
because he's a fucking toy!
1153
00:58:22,355 --> 00:58:23,398
What's your excuse?
1154
00:58:23,523 --> 00:58:25,150
Whoa-ho! Take a burn!
1155
00:58:25,233 --> 00:58:27,694
Yeah! How's your tongue taste
in your own ass, Poindexter?
1156
00:58:27,778 --> 00:58:28,987
Yeah! How'd you...
What?
1157
00:58:29,112 --> 00:58:30,822
Order!
1158
00:58:32,032 --> 00:58:33,116
Mr. Bennett,
1159
00:58:33,700 --> 00:58:36,870
how would you categorize
your relationship with Ted?
1160
00:58:37,788 --> 00:58:39,039
He's my best friend.
1161
00:58:39,456 --> 00:58:41,541
So you don't see him as your property.
1162
00:58:41,875 --> 00:58:44,503
No, he's not my property.
He's a person.
1163
00:58:44,586 --> 00:58:46,588
He's way more of a person
than lots of other people.
1164
00:58:46,671 --> 00:58:48,048
I mean, fucking Steven Tyler?
1165
00:58:48,131 --> 00:58:49,382
What the fuck is that?
Some kind of
1166
00:58:49,466 --> 00:58:51,051
weird soccer-mom-looking
Goonie monster?
1167
00:58:51,134 --> 00:58:52,636
- Your Honor?
- I'll allow it.
1168
00:58:52,969 --> 00:58:54,429
Thank you, Your Honor.
1169
00:58:55,096 --> 00:58:56,556
Your witness.
1170
00:59:00,060 --> 00:59:01,269
Mr. Bennett,
1171
00:59:02,145 --> 00:59:04,397
when and where did you first encounter Ted?
1172
00:59:04,898 --> 00:59:07,234
Oh, what do you mean? My parents
got him for me when I was a kid.
1173
00:59:07,359 --> 00:59:09,444
A-ha. They "got him."
1174
00:59:10,987 --> 00:59:12,405
Where did they get him?
1175
00:59:15,242 --> 00:59:16,493
Child World toy store.
1176
00:59:16,576 --> 00:59:18,495
I'm sorry, I couldn't hear that.
Could you repeat that, please?
1177
00:59:18,578 --> 00:59:20,205
Child World toy store.
You fucking heard me.
1178
00:59:20,288 --> 00:59:21,665
There's no need for hostility,
Mr. Bennett.
1179
00:59:21,748 --> 00:59:23,041
Why? Nobody here likes you!
1180
00:59:23,124 --> 00:59:25,168
I saw you eating lunch alone!
You're a loser!
1181
00:59:25,252 --> 00:59:26,336
- Your Honor?
- Mr. Bennett.
1182
00:59:26,419 --> 00:59:27,796
I hope your kids get bird flu!
1183
00:59:27,921 --> 00:59:28,922
Mr. Bennett!
1184
00:59:29,005 --> 00:59:30,006
I'm sorry.
1185
00:59:30,257 --> 00:59:33,301
Now, you said your parents purchased Ted,
1186
00:59:33,468 --> 00:59:36,763
as one might purchase a
baseball glove or a Big Wheel.
1187
00:59:36,847 --> 00:59:38,014
No, it's not like that!
1188
00:59:38,098 --> 00:59:39,099
Objection!
1189
00:59:39,182 --> 00:59:40,392
You can't do that!
1190
00:59:40,475 --> 00:59:41,685
You know what?
This is bullshit!
1191
00:59:41,768 --> 00:59:43,520
This court is trying to tell me
1192
00:59:43,603 --> 00:59:44,980
that I'm not as good as other people,
1193
00:59:45,105 --> 00:59:47,274
and this is exactly what
you've been doing to the fags!
1194
00:59:47,357 --> 00:59:48,358
Ted!
1195
00:59:48,441 --> 00:59:49,401
Sorry, sorry.
The homos, the homos.
1196
00:59:49,484 --> 00:59:51,027
This is exactly what you've been doing
1197
00:59:51,111 --> 00:59:52,612
to the homos, and I say it's wrong!
1198
00:59:52,696 --> 00:59:55,282
Ms. Jackson,
please control your client
1199
00:59:55,365 --> 00:59:57,450
or I'll hold both of you
in contempt of court!
1200
00:59:57,534 --> 00:59:58,618
Oh, piss off!
1201
00:59:58,702 --> 01:00:01,371
I'm standing up for me and I'm
standing up for the homos!
1202
01:00:01,454 --> 01:00:02,539
We deserve respect!
1203
01:00:02,622 --> 01:00:03,623
Ted, shut up!
1204
01:00:03,748 --> 01:00:05,000
Fine.
1205
01:00:14,259 --> 01:00:16,720
Your Honor, I'd like to call
Ted Clubber Lang to the stand.
1206
01:00:16,803 --> 01:00:17,804
Yes!
1207
01:00:18,096 --> 01:00:20,056
My turn, assholes!
1208
01:00:25,270 --> 01:00:26,313
Ted,
1209
01:00:27,063 --> 01:00:28,273
do you love your wife?
1210
01:00:28,356 --> 01:00:31,484
Objection. She's not his wife.
The marriage was annulled.
1211
01:00:31,693 --> 01:00:33,153
I'll rephrase.
1212
01:00:34,279 --> 01:00:35,739
Do you love Tami-Lynn?
1213
01:00:36,156 --> 01:00:39,242
I love my wife. Okay?
My wife.
1214
01:00:39,326 --> 01:00:40,744
More than anything in the world.
1215
01:00:40,827 --> 01:00:43,038
We're married. I don't
care what anybody says.
1216
01:00:43,455 --> 01:00:47,000
So you're saying you are
capable of feeling love.
1217
01:00:47,375 --> 01:00:48,543
Yeah.
1218
01:00:48,877 --> 01:00:50,503
Hey, it must be weird for you guys,
1219
01:00:50,587 --> 01:00:51,963
having a doll up here on the stand
1220
01:00:52,047 --> 01:00:54,257
with no kid pointing to where
his uncle touched him, huh?
1221
01:00:55,550 --> 01:00:56,718
Yeah, no, yeah, no.
1222
01:00:56,801 --> 01:00:59,763
Yeah, I am capable.
I love a lot of stuff. Yeah.
1223
01:01:00,347 --> 01:01:04,476
Ted, do you believe you have a soul?
1224
01:01:05,852 --> 01:01:08,229
♪What did you think♪
1225
01:01:08,647 --> 01:01:11,232
♪I would do at this moment♪
1226
01:01:11,691 --> 01:01:14,527
♪When you're standing before me♪
1227
01:01:14,611 --> 01:01:17,322
♪With tears in your eyes♪
1228
01:01:18,114 --> 01:01:19,449
That answer your question?
1229
01:01:19,532 --> 01:01:20,992
Objection. Your Honor?
1230
01:01:21,201 --> 01:01:22,953
Overruled!
1231
01:01:23,119 --> 01:01:26,247
A-ha! What it is, man!
Dynomite.
1232
01:01:26,539 --> 01:01:28,375
- Ted.
- Right, right. Sorry, sorry.
1233
01:01:29,542 --> 01:01:32,587
Look, I'm not a scientist, okay?
1234
01:01:33,213 --> 01:01:36,549
I don't know exactly what
makes a person a person.
1235
01:01:36,716 --> 01:01:39,177
All I know is I feel stuff.
1236
01:01:39,678 --> 01:01:41,054
Just like all you guys.
1237
01:01:42,138 --> 01:01:44,557
And I don't think I ought to
be treated any different.
1238
01:01:48,561 --> 01:01:50,063
Capable of love.
1239
01:01:51,231 --> 01:01:53,274
Aware of his own consciousness.
1240
01:01:56,069 --> 01:01:57,779
Seems pretty human to me.
1241
01:01:58,738 --> 01:02:00,657
No further questions.
1242
01:02:01,366 --> 01:02:02,409
Mr. Kidder,
1243
01:02:02,659 --> 01:02:06,913
you were an employee at Hasbro from
1976 to 1998. Is that correct?
1244
01:02:07,080 --> 01:02:10,000
Yes, I supervised the
stuffing of the teddy bears.
1245
01:02:10,458 --> 01:02:12,002
And what is that stuffing made of?
1246
01:02:12,085 --> 01:02:14,504
A synthetic
cotton-poly blend.
1247
01:02:14,671 --> 01:02:16,339
Is there anything else in there?
1248
01:02:16,673 --> 01:02:20,593
The bear products are affixed with
an electronic device in the chest
1249
01:02:20,927 --> 01:02:24,055
which can be programmed to
say any one of five phrases.
1250
01:02:25,598 --> 01:02:26,599
Hmm.
1251
01:02:29,686 --> 01:02:30,770
Ted,
1252
01:02:31,771 --> 01:02:33,523
would you please press your chest?
1253
01:02:35,734 --> 01:02:36,776
What?
1254
01:02:37,235 --> 01:02:39,946
Please follow the instruction,
Mr. Clubber Lang.
1255
01:02:45,118 --> 01:02:46,619
I love you!
1256
01:02:57,005 --> 01:02:58,381
No further questions.
1257
01:03:01,134 --> 01:03:02,969
Also in The news, a pending court case
1258
01:03:03,094 --> 01:03:05,138
is beginning to get national attention
1259
01:03:05,221 --> 01:03:07,182
for its civil rights ramifications.
1260
01:03:07,307 --> 01:03:09,184
Ted, the bear, who some of you may remember
1261
01:03:09,267 --> 01:03:12,771
came to life back in the
mid-'80s right here in Boston,
1262
01:03:12,937 --> 01:03:15,940
is suing to prove he is indeed a person.
1263
01:03:16,232 --> 01:03:18,735
Okay, so what are we
even talking about here?
1264
01:03:18,818 --> 01:03:22,697
What we're talking about is a civil
rights issue. This bear has rights.
1265
01:03:22,781 --> 01:03:24,741
- Oh, come on!
- He does not! He's a toy.
1266
01:03:24,824 --> 01:03:26,326
Then why are you calling it a "he"?
1267
01:03:26,409 --> 01:03:28,745
Look, we call the Statue of Liberty "she, "
1268
01:03:28,828 --> 01:03:32,165
but we all know it's an object
made of copper and steel.
1269
01:03:32,248 --> 01:03:33,291
Oh, good point.
1270
01:03:33,333 --> 01:03:36,753
- Yes, but she isn't conscious or sentient. He is.
- Mmm-hmm.
1271
01:03:37,189 --> 01:03:38,190
Now, come on!
1272
01:03:38,315 --> 01:03:39,900
Are any of you gonna sit there and tell me
1273
01:03:40,025 --> 01:03:41,610
that this stuffed doll is a person?
1274
01:03:41,693 --> 01:03:42,736
- No.
- Not at all.
1275
01:03:42,861 --> 01:03:44,029
We all agree all the time.
1276
01:03:44,321 --> 01:03:45,948
So, of course, the big story out of Boston
1277
01:03:46,031 --> 01:03:49,076
is that Ted, the bear, is suing
to prove that he's a person.
1278
01:03:49,535 --> 01:03:51,578
Legal experts are closely
watching this case.
1279
01:03:51,703 --> 01:03:53,038
They said if Ted wins,
1280
01:03:53,163 --> 01:03:55,916
Donald Trump's hair would look to
quickly file a similar lawsuit.
1281
01:03:56,208 --> 01:03:59,545
So, I think it might be real.
1282
01:03:59,670 --> 01:04:01,964
I don't think he should want
to be considered a person.
1283
01:04:02,047 --> 01:04:03,924
After all, you know, Ted spent many years
1284
01:04:04,049 --> 01:04:05,801
sleeping and cuddling with a child.
1285
01:04:05,884 --> 01:04:07,719
That's cute when you're a stuffed animal.
1286
01:04:07,845 --> 01:04:09,805
When you're a person, that's a felony.
1287
01:04:11,682 --> 01:04:13,183
This sounds like a silly case,
1288
01:04:13,267 --> 01:04:15,310
but this is actually a really big case.
1289
01:04:15,394 --> 01:04:17,020
The last time someone named Ted
1290
01:04:17,104 --> 01:04:18,730
made this much news in Massachusetts,
1291
01:04:18,897 --> 01:04:20,691
he drove a chick into a lake.
1292
01:04:22,932 --> 01:04:25,852
Ted, do you have anything
to say in your own defense?
1293
01:04:26,227 --> 01:04:30,607
I am not an animal!
1294
01:04:34,152 --> 01:04:35,403
You see, Your Honor?
1295
01:04:35,487 --> 01:04:36,821
He's not an animal.
1296
01:04:45,205 --> 01:04:47,749
I'm sorry, Your Honor.
I'm on my period.
1297
01:04:48,416 --> 01:04:53,922
And live from New York, it's
Saturday Night!
1298
01:05:11,439 --> 01:05:13,358
What is taking them so long?
1299
01:05:13,441 --> 01:05:15,235
Oh, is it bad that
they're taking this long?
1300
01:05:15,318 --> 01:05:16,945
It's not good or bad.
It just means
1301
01:05:17,028 --> 01:05:18,488
that they're probably having a debate.
1302
01:05:18,947 --> 01:05:21,324
Johnny, it may be time
to play the Betelgeuse card.
1303
01:05:21,408 --> 01:05:22,409
What do you mean?
1304
01:05:22,492 --> 01:05:24,077
I mean saying his name three times.
1305
01:05:24,160 --> 01:05:25,203
What?
1306
01:05:25,286 --> 01:05:26,454
Betelgeuse.
Betelgeuse. Betelgeuse.
1307
01:05:26,538 --> 01:05:27,622
Shut up!
1308
01:05:27,789 --> 01:05:29,040
You fucking crazy?
We don't want
1309
01:05:29,124 --> 01:05:30,291
that guy running around in here.
1310
01:05:30,375 --> 01:05:31,543
No, Johnny, he'll be on our side.
1311
01:05:31,626 --> 01:05:32,961
He'll help us.
Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse...
1312
01:05:33,044 --> 01:05:35,630
You are meddling with powers
you do not understand.
1313
01:05:35,713 --> 01:05:36,798
Cut the shit.
1314
01:05:48,977 --> 01:05:50,061
Please be seated.
1315
01:05:52,939 --> 01:05:55,733
Mr. Willer, has the jury
reached a verdict?
1316
01:05:55,984 --> 01:05:57,819
Yes, we have, Your Honor.
1317
01:05:58,486 --> 01:06:02,574
Um, in the case of Ted v. The
Commonwealth of Massachusetts,
1318
01:06:02,699 --> 01:06:07,996
we, the jury, find for the Commonwealth
in that Ted is not a person.
1319
01:06:20,300 --> 01:06:21,342
Very well.
1320
01:06:21,551 --> 01:06:24,387
The plaintiff is hereby
legally deemed property.
1321
01:06:24,929 --> 01:06:27,515
The definition entails the rights thereof
1322
01:06:27,599 --> 01:06:30,059
and will be recognized in the terms set
1323
01:06:30,143 --> 01:06:32,520
by the Commonwealth of Massachusetts.
1324
01:06:32,604 --> 01:06:35,690
The court wishes to thank
the jury for its service.
1325
01:06:42,864 --> 01:06:44,782
Are you sure you can get him?
1326
01:06:44,949 --> 01:06:46,868
Remember, you're on your own out there.
1327
01:06:46,951 --> 01:06:48,828
Hasbro can have no connection to this.
1328
01:06:48,995 --> 01:06:50,497
Oh, I'll get him.
1329
01:06:50,955 --> 01:06:53,041
And when I have him, I'll call
you with the code phrase.
1330
01:06:54,375 --> 01:06:56,002
Do you remember what it is?
1331
01:06:56,377 --> 01:06:57,587
Yes, I remember it.
1332
01:06:57,754 --> 01:06:59,005
Should we say it just for safety?
1333
01:06:59,088 --> 01:07:00,089
No, that's not necessary.
1334
01:07:00,173 --> 01:07:01,132
Say it. Just say it.
Say it.
1335
01:07:01,216 --> 01:07:02,383
I don't want to.
I don't have to.
1336
01:07:02,509 --> 01:07:03,551
Fresh cakes.
1337
01:07:04,469 --> 01:07:05,720
Fresh cakes.
1338
01:07:14,229 --> 01:07:16,147
This isn't fucking fair.
1339
01:07:16,314 --> 01:07:18,149
Teddy's a good man.
1340
01:07:18,566 --> 01:07:21,110
Why is he being treated
differently than everybody else?
1341
01:07:21,528 --> 01:07:23,738
It's what this country does best.
1342
01:07:23,821 --> 01:07:25,823
Putting different people into little groups
1343
01:07:25,907 --> 01:07:27,283
and making them watch Tyler Perry.
1344
01:07:27,367 --> 01:07:28,576
It's wrong!
1345
01:07:29,953 --> 01:07:31,329
I'm so sorry, baby.
1346
01:07:31,579 --> 01:07:34,916
No, I'm sorry! I thought
I'd built a better case.
1347
01:07:35,124 --> 01:07:36,167
It's just...
1348
01:07:36,251 --> 01:07:38,503
The reality is you have
a really shitty lawyer.
1349
01:07:38,628 --> 01:07:39,671
Hey, come on.
1350
01:07:39,754 --> 01:07:42,423
Nobody's blaming you for this.
You did everything you could.
1351
01:07:42,549 --> 01:07:44,592
I... I'm sitting here
1352
01:07:44,676 --> 01:07:47,011
and I...
I can't believe it's official.
1353
01:07:47,470 --> 01:07:49,013
Oh, so what are we gonna do now?
1354
01:07:49,097 --> 01:07:51,933
I mean, we can't take this lying down, right?
We got to do something.
1355
01:07:52,725 --> 01:07:55,436
You know what we're gonna do?
We're gonna call Patrick Meighan.
1356
01:07:55,603 --> 01:07:56,688
Who's that?
1357
01:07:56,980 --> 01:07:59,649
He is the top civil rights
attorney in America.
1358
01:07:59,774 --> 01:08:02,193
Wait. Is he the one who got that
female midget into the Marines?
1359
01:08:02,277 --> 01:08:03,278
Yeah.
1360
01:08:03,361 --> 01:08:04,696
Yeah, that had a sad ending
though, you remember?
1361
01:08:04,779 --> 01:08:06,155
She was at a Veterans Day parade,
1362
01:08:06,239 --> 01:08:07,490
and somebody handed her a bunch of balloons
1363
01:08:07,574 --> 01:08:08,741
and...
Gone!
1364
01:08:08,950 --> 01:08:10,910
It was very sad.
Very sad for the family.
1365
01:08:11,077 --> 01:08:13,538
You know what? If anyone can get
this verdict overturned, it's him.
1366
01:08:13,621 --> 01:08:14,706
He's not cheap,
1367
01:08:14,789 --> 01:08:16,874
but we've become such a high profile case,
1368
01:08:16,958 --> 01:08:19,210
I feel like he might take it pro Bono.
1369
01:08:19,294 --> 01:08:20,712
He's a sucker for media.
1370
01:08:24,507 --> 01:08:26,217
Hey, Johnny, how about a beer, huh?
1371
01:08:26,301 --> 01:08:27,802
Yeah, that's a good idea.
1372
01:08:28,970 --> 01:08:31,556
Hi, I'm calling for Patrick Meighan.
This is Samantha Jackson.
1373
01:08:31,639 --> 01:08:34,976
I defended Ted Clubber Lang
in Ted v. Massachusetts.
1374
01:08:35,893 --> 01:08:36,894
Hey!
1375
01:08:36,978 --> 01:08:41,024
Hi, Mr. Meighan. Thank you
so much for taking my call.
1376
01:08:42,817 --> 01:08:45,570
Oh, you've been following
the case. That's great.
1377
01:08:46,613 --> 01:08:48,489
Yeah, that's actually why I'm calling.
1378
01:08:48,573 --> 01:08:50,408
Yeah, I was wondering
1379
01:08:50,491 --> 01:08:54,829
if, um, maybe you would consider helping
us try to overturn the verdict.
1380
01:08:56,706 --> 01:09:00,668
Well, yeah. I mean, it would
have to be a pro Bono situation
1381
01:09:00,752 --> 01:09:02,920
because we're not really
working with much money.
1382
01:09:03,004 --> 01:09:05,214
But I think you'll be
impressed with my client.
1383
01:09:05,298 --> 01:09:07,091
- Oh!
- Ha-ha! Motherfucker!
1384
01:09:07,175 --> 01:09:08,426
Sure.
1385
01:09:08,509 --> 01:09:11,804
Yeah, great.
Okay. Thank you so much!
1386
01:09:11,888 --> 01:09:14,223
Okay, I'll see you
then. Bye.
1387
01:09:14,515 --> 01:09:15,683
Oh, my God!
1388
01:09:15,767 --> 01:09:17,644
He said he'll meet with
us on Friday at 9:00 a.m.
1389
01:09:17,727 --> 01:09:19,145
at his office in New York.
1390
01:09:19,228 --> 01:09:20,438
Is he gonna take the case?
1391
01:09:20,521 --> 01:09:22,565
I don't want to jinx it, but I think so.
1392
01:09:22,732 --> 01:09:24,859
Oh, my God! You hear that, Johnny?
1393
01:09:24,942 --> 01:09:26,152
- I still get a shot!
- Yes!
1394
01:09:26,235 --> 01:09:27,862
Oh, my God!
We got to celebrate!
1395
01:09:28,029 --> 01:09:29,113
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
1396
01:09:29,197 --> 01:09:31,532
Let's go down to the improv
and yell sad suggestions?
1397
01:09:31,616 --> 01:09:32,617
Fuck yeah!
1398
01:09:32,700 --> 01:09:35,703
So first we need a historical event.
Who's got an event?
1399
01:09:35,870 --> 01:09:36,871
9/11.
1400
01:09:37,038 --> 01:09:39,540
Okay, maybe something else.
1401
01:09:39,707 --> 01:09:41,292
All right, let's start with a person.
1402
01:09:41,376 --> 01:09:42,460
Robin Williams!
1403
01:09:42,627 --> 01:09:45,838
Okay, all right, for real, guys, for real.
Who's got a person?
1404
01:09:45,922 --> 01:09:47,799
Robin Williams on 9/11.
1405
01:09:47,882 --> 01:09:49,634
All right, we've heard from these guys.
1406
01:09:49,717 --> 01:09:52,470
Let's maybe give somebody
else over here a chance.
1407
01:09:52,553 --> 01:09:54,347
How about a location?
Let's go with a location.
1408
01:09:54,430 --> 01:09:56,391
The offices of Charlie Hebdo.
1409
01:09:56,683 --> 01:09:59,560
Okay, seriously, sir, uh,
I just need a location.
1410
01:09:59,644 --> 01:10:00,853
Ferguson, Missouri.
1411
01:10:00,937 --> 01:10:02,313
Germanwings cockpit.
1412
01:10:02,480 --> 01:10:04,440
- Okay, I heard "Starbucks."
- No, you didn't.
1413
01:10:04,524 --> 01:10:05,692
Nobody said "Starbucks."
1414
01:10:05,775 --> 01:10:08,903
All right, Starbucks. Okay,
now, who's in the Starbucks?
1415
01:10:09,070 --> 01:10:10,238
Bill Cosby.
1416
01:10:10,405 --> 01:10:11,572
You people are monsters.
1417
01:10:11,823 --> 01:10:13,324
We're giving you the tools, buddy.
1418
01:10:13,408 --> 01:10:14,909
Come on, make some fucking comedy.
1419
01:10:26,254 --> 01:10:28,297
All right. We'll be back
tomorrow afternoon.
1420
01:10:28,464 --> 01:10:30,466
I love you so much, Teddy.
1421
01:10:30,633 --> 01:10:33,970
You go kick some ass because I am
not taking off this wedding ring.
1422
01:10:34,137 --> 01:10:37,265
I love you too, baby.
I'll see you soon.
1423
01:11:21,851 --> 01:11:23,853
♪If you wanna sit
there with a pie of meat♪
1424
01:11:23,936 --> 01:11:26,147
♪Just fuck your own brother
in the front seat♪
1425
01:11:26,230 --> 01:11:29,025
♪Oh, why can't you
just say please?♪
1426
01:11:29,108 --> 01:11:31,611
♪Hey! Must be the money♪
1427
01:11:32,320 --> 01:11:34,906
Hey, Sam, why do you have a duffel
bag that says "Arizona State"?
1428
01:11:34,989 --> 01:11:36,365
Because that's where I went to school.
1429
01:11:36,491 --> 01:11:38,534
What, you went to Arizona State?
1430
01:11:38,618 --> 01:11:39,619
Yeah, why?
1431
01:11:39,702 --> 01:11:41,746
Oh, man, that's why we lost the case.
1432
01:11:41,829 --> 01:11:42,914
- Hello?
- You're dicks.
1433
01:11:42,997 --> 01:11:46,250
Arizona State. Hey, how many times
you been fucked on a houseboat?
1434
01:11:48,419 --> 01:11:49,504
Oh, come on.
1435
01:11:49,587 --> 01:11:50,755
Did you write your dissertation
1436
01:11:50,838 --> 01:11:53,174
on the collected works of, uh, Red Bull?
1437
01:11:53,341 --> 01:11:55,343
Yeah. Yeah, I did. I got an A on it.
1438
01:11:55,593 --> 01:11:59,722
So do you say "Arizona State
University" or do you just say "HPVU"?
1439
01:12:04,560 --> 01:12:07,104
This is perfect. We're gonna
get to the city before 10:00.
1440
01:12:07,522 --> 01:12:09,315
Hey, Sam, how's your boring salad?
1441
01:12:09,398 --> 01:12:10,858
Mmm, it's actually delicious.
1442
01:12:11,025 --> 01:12:12,944
Everybody always says
that about their salad.
1443
01:12:13,027 --> 01:12:14,278
They're all a bunch of fucking liars.
1444
01:12:14,445 --> 01:12:16,322
No, I love it.
It's really good.
1445
01:12:16,405 --> 01:12:18,741
Have some Cookie Crisp. You
need something nutritional.
1446
01:12:18,866 --> 01:12:20,201
Why do you think I want your Cookie Crisp?
1447
01:12:20,284 --> 01:12:22,036
Because you've been staring
at it, and you want it.
1448
01:12:22,203 --> 01:12:25,039
Hey, what's the deal here? You
guys ever gonna make out or what?
1449
01:12:25,373 --> 01:12:26,624
Teddy, come on, dude!
1450
01:12:26,707 --> 01:12:29,961
No, I'm just saying. You look like
you're hitting it off, you know?
1451
01:12:30,211 --> 01:12:31,921
Sam, you dig him, right?
1452
01:12:33,923 --> 01:12:34,966
Hey!
1453
01:12:35,049 --> 01:12:36,926
Where the hell's my coffee? I've
been waiting for 10 minutes.
1454
01:12:37,009 --> 01:12:39,220
I'm so sorry, sir. I forgot.
I'll get it right away.
1455
01:12:39,345 --> 01:12:42,139
Jesus, you're a waitress, you're not
building rockets. Figure it out!
1456
01:12:42,723 --> 01:12:44,141
What a prick!
1457
01:12:44,600 --> 01:12:47,228
Hey, 20 bucks I can toss a
Cookie Crisp into his ass crack.
1458
01:12:47,395 --> 01:12:48,563
Wait, let me try.
1459
01:12:48,729 --> 01:12:51,107
I used to pitch for the
softball team at Arizona State.
1460
01:12:51,190 --> 01:12:53,067
Oh, yeah? Was your mascot a broken condom?
1461
01:12:53,317 --> 01:12:54,652
Shut up.
1462
01:12:55,403 --> 01:12:57,154
- Oh, my God!
- Holy shit!
1463
01:12:57,238 --> 01:12:58,990
Who did that?
1464
01:12:59,240 --> 01:13:01,993
Oh, Jesus Christ.
You got to be kidding me!
1465
01:13:02,076 --> 01:13:03,828
Now, we're assholes.
Look what you did.
1466
01:13:03,911 --> 01:13:06,664
I swear to God, I'll kick
your goddamn ass! Who was it?
1467
01:13:06,747 --> 01:13:09,667
Uh, sir, I apologize
for my 5-year-old son.
1468
01:13:09,876 --> 01:13:11,127
I'm sowwy!
1469
01:13:11,252 --> 01:13:12,295
Sowwy, sir.
1470
01:13:12,420 --> 01:13:14,839
- Cookie Crisp in your bum-bumzies.
- I'm sowwy.
1471
01:13:15,423 --> 01:13:18,759
Well, under the circumstances,
I guess it's okay.
1472
01:13:19,218 --> 01:13:21,345
Oh, my God. Now we're even bigger assholes.
1473
01:13:21,429 --> 01:13:23,097
Go get my Cookie Crisp out of his ass.
1474
01:13:23,264 --> 01:13:24,557
You guys making trouble over here?
1475
01:13:24,640 --> 01:13:26,309
Uh, no, ma'am. We're just
minding our business.
1476
01:13:26,642 --> 01:13:28,769
Let's try to keep your boyfriend
under control here, yeah?
1477
01:13:29,520 --> 01:13:30,938
Oh, he's not my boyfriend.
1478
01:13:31,355 --> 01:13:32,356
Oh.
1479
01:13:32,773 --> 01:13:33,983
Good.
1480
01:13:34,275 --> 01:13:35,693
We'll just get the check.
Thanks.
1481
01:13:35,776 --> 01:13:37,069
Of course.
1482
01:13:39,405 --> 01:13:40,406
Oh, my God.
1483
01:13:40,489 --> 01:13:43,451
John, did you see that? She was
totally giving you the fuck-me eyes.
1484
01:13:43,701 --> 01:13:44,702
No, she wasn't.
1485
01:13:44,785 --> 01:13:46,120
She was giving you
the fuck-me eyes.
1486
01:13:46,287 --> 01:13:47,496
What are the fuck-me eyes?
1487
01:13:47,663 --> 01:13:50,166
Some women just
have fuck-me eyes.
1488
01:13:50,625 --> 01:13:51,876
Do I have fuck-me eyes?
1489
01:13:51,959 --> 01:13:54,378
No, you have "Give us the
ring, my precious" eyes.
1490
01:13:54,962 --> 01:13:55,963
We better get going.
1491
01:13:56,047 --> 01:13:58,049
We got two hours of driving
left and I'm kind of beat.
1492
01:13:58,132 --> 01:13:59,800
Yeah, we got to be
well rested for tomorrow.
1493
01:13:59,884 --> 01:14:01,802
I'll drive.
You can take a nap.
1494
01:14:01,969 --> 01:14:03,137
You don't have a license.
1495
01:14:03,710 --> 01:14:04,961
Who cares?
Johnny lets me drive
1496
01:14:05,045 --> 01:14:06,421
every once in a while
when he's too hammered.
1497
01:14:06,546 --> 01:14:07,547
I'm a fucking pro!
1498
01:14:08,215 --> 01:14:09,382
Besides,
1499
01:14:09,508 --> 01:14:12,010
I've been kicked around
a lot this week. I just...
1500
01:14:12,344 --> 01:14:14,179
I want to feel useful, you know?
1501
01:14:14,763 --> 01:14:15,889
Twenty minutes behind the wheel.
1502
01:14:16,014 --> 01:14:17,057
Yay!
1503
01:15:39,021 --> 01:15:40,605
Ah! Ah!
Shit, shit, shit!
1504
01:16:11,219 --> 01:16:12,471
What the fuck?
1505
01:16:12,554 --> 01:16:15,015
Well, Sam, it's been 20 minutes.
You wanna take over?
1506
01:16:28,236 --> 01:16:30,030
Hey, listen, Sam, I'm real sorry.
1507
01:16:30,113 --> 01:16:31,823
That barn just came out of nowhere.
1508
01:16:31,907 --> 01:16:34,242
No, no, it's my fault.
I... I, uh...
1509
01:16:34,326 --> 01:16:35,952
I should never have let you drive.
1510
01:16:36,036 --> 01:16:37,621
Yeah. You were wrong.
1511
01:16:37,704 --> 01:16:39,331
- You were wrong to do that.
- Yeah.
1512
01:16:39,414 --> 01:16:43,335
But that and the trial are the only
two things you fucked up. So, uh...
1513
01:16:44,169 --> 01:16:45,921
I can't see shit in there.
1514
01:16:46,004 --> 01:16:48,090
We're gonna have to wait till
tomorrow to get the car out.
1515
01:16:48,423 --> 01:16:51,009
Uh, wait. Are we gonna
spend the night here?
1516
01:16:51,176 --> 01:16:53,720
Yeah, it'll be fine. We just
got to find some firewood.
1517
01:17:04,689 --> 01:17:05,774
What the hell?
1518
01:17:11,780 --> 01:17:13,949
Holy shit! Hey, Ted!
1519
01:17:14,991 --> 01:17:18,203
You know what this is?
It's Super Lemon Haze.
1520
01:17:18,286 --> 01:17:19,412
It's a really rare strain.
1521
01:17:19,496 --> 01:17:21,706
It's a cross between Lemon
Skunk and Super Silver Haze.
1522
01:17:22,040 --> 01:17:23,083
It's totally potent.
1523
01:17:23,166 --> 01:17:24,459
I've only had it once in my life
1524
01:17:24,543 --> 01:17:26,044
and it was one of
the best highs I ever had.
1525
01:17:26,253 --> 01:17:27,462
What the hell is a leaf of this stuff
1526
01:17:27,546 --> 01:17:28,713
doing out in the middle of a...
1527
01:17:58,076 --> 01:18:00,871
Dear God! Dear God in heaven!
1528
01:18:01,830 --> 01:18:03,415
So beautiful.
1529
01:18:04,666 --> 01:18:06,334
It's so beautiful.
1530
01:18:07,002 --> 01:18:08,461
No words.
1531
01:18:09,421 --> 01:18:11,673
No words.
1532
01:18:11,756 --> 01:18:13,758
They should've sent a poet.
1533
01:18:21,099 --> 01:18:22,934
They're moving in herds.
1534
01:18:23,852 --> 01:18:25,770
They do move in herds.
1535
01:18:29,900 --> 01:18:32,694
Please tell me that's not the only
bong you brought on this trip.
1536
01:18:32,777 --> 01:18:35,697
Yeah, Sam. This puts us in
kind of an awkward position, here.
1537
01:18:35,780 --> 01:18:37,240
I mean, we wanna get high, too.
1538
01:18:37,324 --> 01:18:38,658
I don't have any papers or nothing.
1539
01:18:38,783 --> 01:18:41,661
Is this hilarious? I got it
at a bachelorette party.
1540
01:18:43,038 --> 01:18:44,873
It's so stupid.
Here, try it.
1541
01:18:44,956 --> 01:18:46,041
Uh, no.
1542
01:18:46,124 --> 01:18:47,167
Why?
1543
01:18:47,250 --> 01:18:49,711
I don't wanna put a big
glass cock in my mouth.
1544
01:18:49,794 --> 01:18:51,171
Oh, you think this is big?
1545
01:18:52,464 --> 01:18:54,090
Johnny, you walked
right into that one, pal.
1546
01:18:54,174 --> 01:18:55,133
This is all I brought.
1547
01:18:55,217 --> 01:18:57,052
How about this? I'm gonna
go check out the barn
1548
01:18:57,135 --> 01:18:59,137
and I'm gonna see if I can
find a soda can or something
1549
01:18:59,221 --> 01:19:00,388
for us to make an actual bong.
1550
01:19:00,472 --> 01:19:02,307
Yeah, see if you can
make a non-dick bong.
1551
01:19:02,557 --> 01:19:05,227
Yeah. Hey, that's the name of the
South Korean president.
1552
01:19:05,310 --> 01:19:06,394
Right?
1553
01:19:06,645 --> 01:19:07,896
She gets...
You get it.
1554
01:19:07,979 --> 01:19:08,980
Right? No.
1555
01:19:09,147 --> 01:19:10,190
What?
1556
01:19:10,357 --> 01:19:12,025
Okay, I'll be back.
1557
01:19:12,567 --> 01:19:13,860
Sorry.
1558
01:19:14,027 --> 01:19:16,529
No. This is nice.
1559
01:19:16,696 --> 01:19:18,531
You know?
I always wanted my ex-wife
1560
01:19:18,615 --> 01:19:20,242
to get stoned with me.
She never would.
1561
01:19:20,408 --> 01:19:21,409
Really?
1562
01:19:21,493 --> 01:19:24,412
Wow. That's the cornerstone
of any great marriage.
1563
01:19:24,579 --> 01:19:25,997
I agree.
1564
01:19:30,001 --> 01:19:32,545
So, you think this Meighan guy
is gonna help us?
1565
01:19:32,712 --> 01:19:35,548
I mean, honestly,
I don't know. Um...
1566
01:19:36,925 --> 01:19:38,426
But we're going to the right place.
1567
01:19:39,594 --> 01:19:41,179
Listen, I just really want to thank you
1568
01:19:41,263 --> 01:19:43,098
for all you've done,
all you're doing for us.
1569
01:19:43,181 --> 01:19:44,975
I know it's not making you rich.
1570
01:19:45,058 --> 01:19:46,101
Please.
1571
01:19:46,184 --> 01:19:48,436
There are more important
things in life than money.
1572
01:19:49,854 --> 01:19:51,064
Look,
1573
01:19:51,773 --> 01:19:53,984
I don't know what kind of mojo was in
1574
01:19:54,067 --> 01:19:55,777
that wish you made when you were a child,
1575
01:19:55,860 --> 01:19:57,737
but this bear is alive.
1576
01:19:58,697 --> 01:20:02,742
And it seems to me that once the
law devalues one kind of life,
1577
01:20:03,368 --> 01:20:05,537
how soon before it devalues another?
1578
01:20:05,870 --> 01:20:07,789
Who gets subjugated after the bear?
1579
01:20:09,416 --> 01:20:11,418
You're really smart, you know that?
1580
01:20:12,794 --> 01:20:14,004
How come you don't have a guy?
1581
01:20:14,379 --> 01:20:16,631
Dude, have you seen the guys in Boston?
1582
01:20:16,715 --> 01:20:18,717
I'm supposed to date some pale, blotchy guy
1583
01:20:18,800 --> 01:20:20,719
with a wife-beater
under his Bruins jacket
1584
01:20:20,802 --> 01:20:23,221
and a shamrock tattoo
on his calf? Nope.
1585
01:20:23,305 --> 01:20:24,347
Yeah.
1586
01:20:24,431 --> 01:20:25,724
That's so dumb.
1587
01:20:26,725 --> 01:20:28,226
I couldn't find any cans,
1588
01:20:28,310 --> 01:20:30,979
but I got to tell you, there's
some awesome shit in that barn.
1589
01:20:31,062 --> 01:20:34,107
Take a look at this. I found a
cowboy hat and a rifle and a guitar.
1590
01:20:34,316 --> 01:20:35,692
Hey, be careful with that, huh.
1591
01:20:35,859 --> 01:20:36,985
No, it's okay.
It's not loaded.
1592
01:20:38,945 --> 01:20:41,114
And my fucking nose came off.
1593
01:20:42,615 --> 01:20:44,576
Jeez, I wonder who this place belongs to.
1594
01:20:44,701 --> 01:20:46,661
Maybe we should find someplace else.
1595
01:20:46,745 --> 01:20:48,747
We're in the middle of nowhere.
1596
01:20:48,830 --> 01:20:50,874
If we get out of here by dawn,
we should be fine, right?
1597
01:20:53,126 --> 01:20:54,377
You play the guitar?
1598
01:20:55,253 --> 01:20:57,756
A little bit.
I learned when I was a kid.
1599
01:21:07,098 --> 01:21:10,101
♪Mean ol' moon♪
1600
01:21:10,268 --> 01:21:12,604
♪It must be fun♪
1601
01:21:14,022 --> 01:21:19,152
♪To shine upon me
as I come undone♪
1602
01:21:19,778 --> 01:21:25,617
♪Till I'm all alone
beneath the sun♪
1603
01:21:26,117 --> 01:21:32,290
♪You mean ol' moon♪
1604
01:21:32,749 --> 01:21:38,213
♪With your beam you led the way♪
1605
01:21:39,631 --> 01:21:45,136
♪And found me love
I thought was here to stay♪
1606
01:21:45,387 --> 01:21:51,726
♪Then you went and
took my love away♪
1607
01:21:51,810 --> 01:21:56,981
♪You mean ol' moon♪
1608
01:21:57,649 --> 01:22:03,988
♪Oh, you mean ol' stars above♪
1609
01:22:04,531 --> 01:22:10,620
♪The games that
you play with me♪
1610
01:22:11,121 --> 01:22:16,084
♪I could find some happiness♪
1611
01:22:17,168 --> 01:22:23,174
♪If all of my nights
were cloudy♪
1612
01:22:23,591 --> 01:22:26,386
♪Mean ol' moon♪
1613
01:22:26,886 --> 01:22:29,347
♪I hope it's true♪
1614
01:22:30,807 --> 01:22:35,854
♪You're takin' all the light
that's left in you♪
1615
01:22:36,521 --> 01:22:42,777
♪And saving it up
for you know who♪
1616
01:22:42,861 --> 01:22:48,783
♪You mean ol' moon♪
1617
01:22:49,200 --> 01:22:55,874
♪You mean ol' moon♪
1618
01:23:14,392 --> 01:23:16,060
Yes!
1619
01:23:31,826 --> 01:23:32,952
You got it.
1620
01:23:33,244 --> 01:23:34,329
You got it!
1621
01:23:34,579 --> 01:23:36,080
Come on, put your legs into it.
1622
01:23:38,333 --> 01:23:40,126
There you go! Nice job!
1623
01:23:40,210 --> 01:23:41,252
Jesus.
1624
01:23:41,640 --> 01:23:43,016
So, listen, I got to ask.
1625
01:23:43,141 --> 01:23:46,186
Was it just kissing last night?
Or was there finger stuff?
1626
01:23:59,324 --> 01:24:00,367
How far are we?
1627
01:24:01,243 --> 01:24:03,328
I'd say we're about
an hour outside the city.
1628
01:24:03,412 --> 01:24:06,665
Fantastic. So, I'm one hour
away from being a real person.
1629
01:24:07,165 --> 01:24:08,208
Hey!
1630
01:24:08,500 --> 01:24:10,002
Who the fuck are you?
1631
01:24:10,335 --> 01:24:11,586
This is private property!
1632
01:24:11,670 --> 01:24:13,338
Get the fuck out of the car!
1633
01:24:14,423 --> 01:24:15,507
Shit! Go, go, go!
1634
01:24:25,517 --> 01:24:26,518
Shit!
1635
01:24:29,271 --> 01:24:31,106
- Oh, God, I'm sorry!
- I'm sorry, pot! Sorry!
1636
01:24:31,231 --> 01:24:32,274
I'm so sorry, pot!
1637
01:24:39,906 --> 01:24:40,949
What are you doing?
1638
01:24:41,074 --> 01:24:42,117
Seizing the day!
1639
01:24:48,540 --> 01:24:49,791
There's the road,
there, that way! Go!
1640
01:24:54,379 --> 01:24:56,715
- Come on, you gotta move. They're right on our ass.
- I am, I'm moving.
1641
01:25:02,888 --> 01:25:04,723
- What the fuck, man?
- What?
1642
01:25:04,806 --> 01:25:05,849
Are you hard?
1643
01:25:05,932 --> 01:25:07,601
Yeah, this shit makes me hard.
1644
01:25:14,566 --> 01:25:16,359
- Whoa!
- Holy shit!
1645
01:25:16,443 --> 01:25:17,611
Oh, my God, are they okay?
1646
01:25:20,739 --> 01:25:22,115
Uh, yeah, they're fine.
They look happy.
1647
01:25:22,240 --> 01:25:24,117
Yeah, they're waving at us.
They're giving us the thumbs up.
1648
01:25:30,999 --> 01:25:33,502
Man, we got a lot of pot in this car.
I wish we could smoke it.
1649
01:25:33,585 --> 01:25:34,836
Oh, we're gonna smoke it, all right,
1650
01:25:34,920 --> 01:25:36,046
but just stuff it under the seat for now.
1651
01:25:36,129 --> 01:25:37,172
We don't wanna go to jail.
1652
01:25:37,255 --> 01:25:38,507
Yeah, that's a good idea.
1653
01:25:56,274 --> 01:25:57,776
Oh, what the fuck?
What are you doing?
1654
01:25:57,943 --> 01:26:00,946
Hashtag "My amazing summer."
1655
01:26:01,154 --> 01:26:02,948
God damn it! What the
hell's wrong with you?
1656
01:26:03,031 --> 01:26:04,366
Oh, I fucking owe you, you bastard.
1657
01:26:04,449 --> 01:26:05,700
What do you mean?
I was just messing around.
1658
01:26:05,784 --> 01:26:07,702
Oh, shut up and suck that dick.
1659
01:26:07,786 --> 01:26:08,829
Oh, fuck you.
1660
01:26:33,645 --> 01:26:35,730
I love New York.
1661
01:26:35,981 --> 01:26:37,566
Yeah, there's no
bullshit with these people.
1662
01:26:37,649 --> 01:26:40,152
Yeah, you always know who you're
dealing with in New York.
1663
01:26:40,402 --> 01:26:42,070
Hello, Jews!
1664
01:26:49,244 --> 01:26:50,620
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
1665
01:26:50,745 --> 01:26:52,497
- Watch it.
- Jesus! Watch where you're going!
1666
01:26:52,756 --> 01:26:55,259
- It's a crosswalk, jackass! We have the right of way!
- Yeah.
1667
01:26:55,342 --> 01:26:56,343
Whoa!
1668
01:26:56,427 --> 01:26:58,762
Hey, what the hell you doing walking
around dressed like Star Wars?
1669
01:26:58,846 --> 01:27:01,891
It's Comic Con, you idiot! We're
going to the Javits Center.
1670
01:27:01,974 --> 01:27:03,350
You're the idiots, because you three guys
1671
01:27:03,434 --> 01:27:04,685
would never be walking together!
1672
01:27:04,768 --> 01:27:07,688
Yeah, you're his boss and
you two guys are enemies!
1673
01:27:07,771 --> 01:27:09,398
Yeah, bite me, Captain Kirk!
1674
01:27:09,481 --> 01:27:11,233
- Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.
- Hey! Come on. That's Star Trek!
1675
01:27:11,317 --> 01:27:12,526
Yeah, that's two different franchises.
1676
01:27:12,693 --> 01:27:14,236
Yeah, sorry, guys.
She doesn't know.
1677
01:27:14,320 --> 01:27:16,697
Nah, it's okay. I'm sorry
you have to deal with that.
1678
01:27:17,573 --> 01:27:19,116
All right, let's go.
1679
01:27:20,367 --> 01:27:22,036
Oh, hey, come on.
It's not worth it, man.
1680
01:27:22,119 --> 01:27:23,704
Come on.
1681
01:27:41,889 --> 01:27:44,516
This Patrick Meighan's
got a classy setup, huh?
1682
01:27:44,600 --> 01:27:45,643
Mmm.
1683
01:27:50,356 --> 01:27:52,983
And there is our first impression.
1684
01:27:53,484 --> 01:27:55,486
Ms. Jackson?
Mr. Meighan will see you now.
1685
01:27:55,569 --> 01:27:57,154
Oh, okay. Thank you.
1686
01:28:03,869 --> 01:28:06,247
Ah, Ms. Jackson. Do come in.
1687
01:28:06,830 --> 01:28:08,666
Mr. Meighan,
this is such an honor.
1688
01:28:08,832 --> 01:28:10,417
Thank you so much for meeting with us.
1689
01:28:10,501 --> 01:28:12,753
Not at all. It's my pleasure.
Please, sit down.
1690
01:28:12,962 --> 01:28:15,089
Oh, this office is fucking awesome.
1691
01:28:15,172 --> 01:28:17,091
Yeah, totally. Hey, hey.
1692
01:28:17,341 --> 01:28:18,592
You ever bring chicks up here?
1693
01:28:19,510 --> 01:28:20,678
What do you think?
1694
01:28:20,928 --> 01:28:24,014
I think I want to sleep on
a bed made of your voice.
1695
01:28:25,683 --> 01:28:27,142
I'll get right down to it.
1696
01:28:27,434 --> 01:28:29,228
I don't want to waste
too much of your time.
1697
01:28:31,021 --> 01:28:33,857
Ted, I've been reviewing your file.
1698
01:28:34,149 --> 01:28:36,443
And while I'm sympathetic to your cause,
1699
01:28:36,527 --> 01:28:39,738
I'm sorry to say
I won't be taking your case.
1700
01:28:39,863 --> 01:28:40,948
- What?
- Why?
1701
01:28:41,031 --> 01:28:42,032
Why not?
1702
01:28:42,157 --> 01:28:43,951
Well, it comes down to this.
1703
01:28:46,036 --> 01:28:48,831
You want to be human
in the eyes of the law.
1704
01:28:49,164 --> 01:28:51,542
That's a hard sell, even for me.
1705
01:28:52,042 --> 01:28:54,461
See, the important thing about being human
1706
01:28:54,545 --> 01:28:56,922
is making a contribution to society.
1707
01:28:57,006 --> 01:28:59,383
Assisting in the betterment of your race.
1708
01:28:59,758 --> 01:29:01,552
You've done none of that.
1709
01:29:01,719 --> 01:29:03,345
I've read about your life.
1710
01:29:03,512 --> 01:29:06,682
The drugs, the parties,
the prostitutes, the arrests.
1711
01:29:06,765 --> 01:29:09,184
Mr. Meighan, we've come
a long way to meet you
1712
01:29:09,268 --> 01:29:10,894
because you said that you could help us.
1713
01:29:11,228 --> 01:29:13,147
I said I would consider it.
1714
01:29:13,731 --> 01:29:15,065
And I have.
1715
01:29:16,400 --> 01:29:18,736
Ted, you're special.
1716
01:29:19,069 --> 01:29:21,447
You could've been
an inspiration to the world.
1717
01:29:21,613 --> 01:29:23,782
Could've been a leader, a role model.
1718
01:29:24,742 --> 01:29:26,368
Instead you're
1719
01:29:27,244 --> 01:29:28,412
Justin Bieber.
1720
01:29:28,954 --> 01:29:29,955
Fuck you!
1721
01:29:30,080 --> 01:29:31,332
- Hey, Ted! Come on!
- I'm sorry.
1722
01:29:31,415 --> 01:29:33,417
- He doesn't mean that.
- Please forgive me, I'm sorry.
1723
01:29:33,584 --> 01:29:34,877
There's just no indication
1724
01:29:34,960 --> 01:29:37,880
that you've had any positive
effect on the world around you.
1725
01:29:38,047 --> 01:29:40,716
Well, that's not true. He's
had a positive effect on me.
1726
01:29:40,883 --> 01:29:43,761
Would that positive effect
be your joint arrest
1727
01:29:43,844 --> 01:29:46,180
for purchasing marijuana in 2003?
1728
01:29:46,263 --> 01:29:48,974
Well, how the fuck do you prepare
for a Foo Fighters concert?
1729
01:29:50,809 --> 01:29:52,853
You know why you lost this case?
1730
01:29:54,438 --> 01:29:56,440
It can't be argued by reason.
1731
01:29:56,815 --> 01:29:59,943
The precedent it sets would
affect the public directly.
1732
01:30:00,152 --> 01:30:03,405
And unfortunately, the public
doesn't judge by reason.
1733
01:30:03,489 --> 01:30:05,699
It judges by emotion.
1734
01:30:07,076 --> 01:30:09,912
And you can't appeal
an emotional conviction.
1735
01:30:10,329 --> 01:30:13,791
Nonetheless, I wish you all
the best in your efforts.
1736
01:30:16,126 --> 01:30:17,628
He needs help.
1737
01:30:18,128 --> 01:30:19,630
And from what I know about you,
1738
01:30:19,797 --> 01:30:22,174
at one point in your career
that would've been enough.
1739
01:30:23,050 --> 01:30:26,470
I'm sorry you're not who I hoped you'd be.
1740
01:30:35,187 --> 01:30:37,022
Are those Tootsie Rolls
just, like, to take?
1741
01:30:39,149 --> 01:30:41,360
Those aren't supposed to be out.
1742
01:30:52,496 --> 01:30:54,540
So that's it.
I'm property.
1743
01:30:55,332 --> 01:30:57,209
No rights, no nothing.
1744
01:30:57,835 --> 01:31:00,838
Ted, dude, I'm so sorry, man.
This completely sucks.
1745
01:31:01,213 --> 01:31:02,673
I feel terrible.
1746
01:31:03,298 --> 01:31:05,175
I let you guys down all over again.
1747
01:31:05,300 --> 01:31:08,512
Hey. You didn't let us down, Sam.
You did your best.
1748
01:31:09,721 --> 01:31:11,306
And, look, regardless of all this shit,
1749
01:31:11,390 --> 01:31:13,976
you're still the best thing that's
happened to me in a long time.
1750
01:31:20,190 --> 01:31:21,191
Oh. Oh, that...
1751
01:31:21,400 --> 01:31:22,526
That's great!
That's fucking great!
1752
01:31:22,609 --> 01:31:23,652
I'm glad you guys are so happy!
1753
01:31:23,735 --> 01:31:24,778
What?
1754
01:31:24,862 --> 01:31:26,822
What do you mean, "What?"
I'm totally screwed here.
1755
01:31:26,905 --> 01:31:29,408
And you're sitting there
basically banging my lawyer,
1756
01:31:29,491 --> 01:31:31,160
and she's probably
still fucking billing us!
1757
01:31:31,243 --> 01:31:33,328
Well, don't yell at us, dude!
We didn't do anything!
1758
01:31:33,495 --> 01:31:34,788
Yeah, exactly! Exactly!
1759
01:31:34,872 --> 01:31:37,958
Maybe if you guys had spent a little
less time mooning over each other,
1760
01:31:38,041 --> 01:31:40,878
Sam could've won this thing and
I wouldn't be a fucking thing!
1761
01:31:40,961 --> 01:31:43,130
Like garbage or a piece of shit!
1762
01:31:43,589 --> 01:31:45,924
Hey, we've been fighting right
alongside you the whole way.
1763
01:31:46,008 --> 01:31:47,050
And remember, you're the one
1764
01:31:47,134 --> 01:31:48,135
who's been pushing me
to get back on the horse.
1765
01:31:48,218 --> 01:31:50,137
I finally meet someone and
you're giving me shit for it?
1766
01:31:50,220 --> 01:31:51,805
Oh, no, you're right.
No, Johnny, it's fine.
1767
01:31:51,889 --> 01:31:52,973
You're right, it's fine.
It's totally fine.
1768
01:31:53,056 --> 01:31:55,476
I got no job, no marriage and no life!
1769
01:31:55,559 --> 01:31:58,645
But you have fun porking Gollum
here, while I'm left with shit!
1770
01:31:58,812 --> 01:31:59,897
Ted!
1771
01:32:00,063 --> 01:32:01,106
Who's Gollum?
1772
01:32:01,190 --> 01:32:03,233
She's a model.
Ted, come back!
1773
01:32:03,400 --> 01:32:04,485
Leave me alone!
1774
01:32:04,610 --> 01:32:05,736
- Ted!
- Ted!
1775
01:32:09,907 --> 01:32:11,033
Shit.
1776
01:32:21,585 --> 01:32:22,586
Whoa.
1777
01:32:23,587 --> 01:32:24,671
Sorry, bro.
1778
01:33:01,959 --> 01:33:03,418
Hey, Ted!
1779
01:33:05,462 --> 01:33:06,547
Guy?
1780
01:33:06,630 --> 01:33:08,006
I thought that was you.
What's happening, man?
1781
01:33:08,090 --> 01:33:10,092
Hey, Rick! It is Ted.
1782
01:33:10,175 --> 01:33:11,218
Hey, how you doing?
1783
01:33:11,593 --> 01:33:13,470
- Hey, what's going on?
- What are you doing here?
1784
01:33:13,595 --> 01:33:17,975
I just feel at home among the
outcasts. What are you guys doing here?
1785
01:33:18,267 --> 01:33:20,852
Well, you know, Rick and I,
we just come here as a gag.
1786
01:33:20,936 --> 01:33:24,273
Dress up like we're into this
shit and fuck with the nerds.
1787
01:33:24,356 --> 01:33:25,566
Hey, spaz.
1788
01:33:25,649 --> 01:33:28,527
Uh, why don't you go get me some Big
League Chew. How about that, huh?
1789
01:33:32,739 --> 01:33:35,701
Uh-huh. All right, well, good
luck with your dick, there.
1790
01:33:36,094 --> 01:33:37,387
Right on.
You, too, man.
1791
01:33:38,430 --> 01:33:40,849
God damn it, that underwear had shit on it!
1792
01:33:48,815 --> 01:33:50,442
Yeah, I have a question
for David Hasselhoff.
1793
01:33:50,525 --> 01:33:51,568
Yes, sir.
1794
01:33:51,860 --> 01:33:55,322
Did you find it difficult as an
actor, playing opposite a car?
1795
01:33:55,572 --> 01:33:58,325
You know, that is a very good question.
1796
01:33:58,492 --> 01:34:00,452
As an actor, you rely on subtle
1797
01:34:00,535 --> 01:34:03,413
facial changes and cues
from your co-stars.
1798
01:34:03,497 --> 01:34:05,373
Uh, you don't get that with a car.
1799
01:34:05,582 --> 01:34:07,334
But after awhile,
1800
01:34:07,417 --> 01:34:09,461
you get used to it, it becomes the norm.
1801
01:34:09,544 --> 01:34:11,213
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
1802
01:34:11,296 --> 01:34:13,298
Uh, yeah, excuse me.
I have a question. Um...
1803
01:34:13,548 --> 01:34:15,717
Exactly how many beers did you have
1804
01:34:15,800 --> 01:34:17,511
before you got naked with that hamburger?
1805
01:34:17,594 --> 01:34:19,513
You know, buddy, we all make mistakes.
1806
01:34:19,596 --> 01:34:22,390
That was a long time ago
and I'm a different guy now.
1807
01:34:22,599 --> 01:34:24,601
You know what?
Can I just jump in here for a second?
1808
01:34:24,851 --> 01:34:27,229
You're a real scumbag
for asking that question.
1809
01:34:27,312 --> 01:34:28,438
What? It's a fair question.
1810
01:34:28,522 --> 01:34:29,773
No, you know what?
You know what?
1811
01:34:29,856 --> 01:34:30,941
Let me tell you something about this man.
1812
01:34:31,024 --> 01:34:32,901
KITT, it's all right.
Just let it go, huh?
1813
01:34:32,984 --> 01:34:34,194
No, no. I want him
to hear this.
1814
01:34:34,277 --> 01:34:36,029
Let me tell you something.
After the show ended,
1815
01:34:36,112 --> 01:34:37,864
I got nothing but shit work, all right?
1816
01:34:37,948 --> 01:34:40,075
I was playing snow plows, tractors,
1817
01:34:40,158 --> 01:34:41,826
I was even cast as a lawnmower.
1818
01:34:41,910 --> 01:34:43,453
Now, that was a real low point for me,
1819
01:34:43,537 --> 01:34:45,622
and this man, sitting next to me,
1820
01:34:45,705 --> 01:34:47,832
at this very low point in my life,
1821
01:34:47,916 --> 01:34:49,334
wrote me a check...
1822
01:34:49,417 --> 01:34:50,544
Aw, come on, pal.
Come on.
1823
01:34:50,627 --> 01:34:52,254
No, no. I want
everyone to hear this,
1824
01:34:52,337 --> 01:34:54,464
because you are a good
man, David Hasselhoff.
1825
01:34:54,548 --> 01:34:56,800
You are a good man.
You saved me
1826
01:34:56,883 --> 01:34:58,176
with your generosity.
1827
01:34:58,718 --> 01:35:00,053
You are the most...
1828
01:35:01,054 --> 01:35:04,140
I'm so sorry. I promised myself
I wouldn't get emotional.
1829
01:35:04,224 --> 01:35:05,642
I just love you, buddy.
1830
01:35:05,725 --> 01:35:08,019
I just love you so much.
1831
01:35:08,103 --> 01:35:10,605
I love you so much. Oh, God.
1832
01:35:10,730 --> 01:35:13,275
I love you too, pal. I really do.
1833
01:35:13,358 --> 01:35:14,401
I love you.
1834
01:35:14,943 --> 01:35:16,945
So, like, 25 beers, or what?
1835
01:35:17,070 --> 01:35:18,572
Piece of shit!
Get out of here!
1836
01:35:18,655 --> 01:35:20,365
Whoa, whoa, whoa, man!
What the fuck?
1837
01:35:20,448 --> 01:35:22,576
You are not fit to breathe
the same air as this man!
1838
01:35:22,659 --> 01:35:24,160
KITT, he's not worth it.
1839
01:35:24,244 --> 01:35:25,745
Get out of here!
What? He's a celebrity.
1840
01:35:25,829 --> 01:35:27,539
His personal life is our business.
1841
01:35:27,622 --> 01:35:29,291
Get the fuck out,
you piece of dog shit.
1842
01:35:29,374 --> 01:35:31,126
I will run you down like roadkill.
1843
01:35:31,209 --> 01:35:33,461
Hey, I don't have to take this
shit from a fucking Pontiac.
1844
01:35:33,545 --> 01:35:35,255
Get out!
Get the fuck out!
1845
01:35:35,338 --> 01:35:37,173
You're a psycho, dude.
Seriously, you're a psycho.
1846
01:35:37,257 --> 01:35:38,758
- Get some therapy.
- Get out!
1847
01:35:39,759 --> 01:35:41,052
Crazy son of a bitch.
1848
01:35:42,095 --> 01:35:43,263
Jesus Christ.
1849
01:35:44,347 --> 01:35:45,390
Hey.
1850
01:35:46,100 --> 01:35:47,227
Are you Ted?
1851
01:35:47,519 --> 01:35:49,187
Uh, yeah.
1852
01:35:50,563 --> 01:35:51,940
This is so exciting!
1853
01:35:52,023 --> 01:35:54,359
I was such a big fan of yours
in the early '90s.
1854
01:35:54,609 --> 01:35:57,320
Oh, thanks a lot.
What's your name?
1855
01:35:57,487 --> 01:35:58,947
I'm Raphael.
1856
01:35:59,030 --> 01:36:01,032
Hey, do you think I could
take a picture with you?
1857
01:36:01,324 --> 01:36:02,742
Uh, yeah, yeah. No problem.
1858
01:36:02,825 --> 01:36:04,619
Great, great!
Here, follow me.
1859
01:36:06,412 --> 01:36:08,665
Uh, okay, why are we doing this back here?
1860
01:36:08,831 --> 01:36:09,916
Well, you're a celebrity.
1861
01:36:09,999 --> 01:36:12,168
I just don't want you to get
mobbed when people recognize you.
1862
01:36:12,252 --> 01:36:15,129
Yeah, that's true. I've been mistaken
for an Ewok three times today.
1863
01:36:15,213 --> 01:36:16,256
All right, let's do this.
1864
01:36:21,094 --> 01:36:22,971
Holy shit! Donny!
1865
01:36:23,429 --> 01:36:25,390
It's so good to see you, Ted.
1866
01:36:26,391 --> 01:36:27,767
It's been some time, hasn't it?
1867
01:36:28,059 --> 01:36:30,228
What, you mean since you ripped me in half?
1868
01:36:31,229 --> 01:36:32,939
That wasn't supposed to happen.
1869
01:36:33,106 --> 01:36:34,607
That was an accident.
1870
01:36:35,441 --> 01:36:37,694
I have some big plans for you, Ted.
1871
01:36:38,444 --> 01:36:39,904
Very big plans.
1872
01:36:40,405 --> 01:36:42,031
I need you to come with me now.
1873
01:36:42,198 --> 01:36:43,157
Go to hell!
1874
01:36:56,296 --> 01:36:58,089
Nice lunch, spaz.
1875
01:37:07,890 --> 01:37:09,309
Hey! What the hell!
1876
01:37:13,896 --> 01:37:15,648
He could be anywhere.
We're not gonna find him.
1877
01:37:15,732 --> 01:37:17,025
We should just wait by the car.
1878
01:37:17,108 --> 01:37:18,693
What do you mean? We
have to find him, okay?
1879
01:37:18,776 --> 01:37:20,820
He's a teddy bear on his own
in New York, for God's sakes.
1880
01:37:24,616 --> 01:37:25,658
Hello?
1881
01:37:25,742 --> 01:37:27,535
Johnny, Johnny, it's me.
You got to help me.
1882
01:37:27,619 --> 01:37:29,954
Ted, where are you? Dude, we've
been looking everywhere for you.
1883
01:37:30,163 --> 01:37:33,625
I'm at Comic Con, but, John, it's Donny!
He's here!
1884
01:37:33,750 --> 01:37:35,209
He's after me.
You got to get over here.
1885
01:37:35,293 --> 01:37:36,878
What the fuck?
Did you just say "Donny"?
1886
01:37:36,961 --> 01:37:38,046
John, what's going on?
1887
01:37:38,129 --> 01:37:39,672
Yes, it's him! He's...
1888
01:37:41,591 --> 01:37:42,800
Oh, shit!
1889
01:37:46,179 --> 01:37:47,805
Ted! Ted, hello?
1890
01:37:48,056 --> 01:37:49,891
- What's the matter?
- Oh, my God. Déjà vu.
1891
01:37:50,141 --> 01:37:51,643
We got to get to
Comic Con. Come on!
1892
01:37:56,314 --> 01:37:57,982
Get out of the way!
1893
01:38:09,661 --> 01:38:11,162
You know,
1894
01:38:12,205 --> 01:38:14,374
I really love that Neil Diamond.
1895
01:38:15,041 --> 01:38:19,837
Especially that song they sing
at the Red Sox games.
1896
01:38:21,631 --> 01:38:23,508
It's just so infectious.
1897
01:38:24,092 --> 01:38:26,219
You just can't help but sing along.
1898
01:38:27,387 --> 01:38:31,724
♪Hands touching hands♪
1899
01:38:33,309 --> 01:38:35,269
♪Reaching out♪
1900
01:38:36,270 --> 01:38:41,734
♪Touching me, touching you♪
1901
01:38:42,110 --> 01:38:45,780
♪Sweet Caroline♪
1902
01:38:45,863 --> 01:38:47,281
♪Bah, bah, bah!♪
1903
01:38:47,365 --> 01:38:48,366
Fuck!
1904
01:38:49,075 --> 01:38:50,201
Crazy son of a bitch!
1905
01:38:53,830 --> 01:38:54,956
Hey!
1906
01:38:55,039 --> 01:38:56,374
What are you doing to that bear?
1907
01:38:56,791 --> 01:38:58,042
I'm sorry. I, uh...
1908
01:38:58,209 --> 01:38:59,961
You better be planning on buying that!
1909
01:39:00,545 --> 01:39:02,755
He just reminds me of when I was a kid.
1910
01:39:02,839 --> 01:39:03,798
Yeah, that's great.
1911
01:39:03,881 --> 01:39:04,882
$40.
1912
01:39:04,966 --> 01:39:06,217
Okay.
1913
01:39:07,385 --> 01:39:08,886
I have $40, here.
1914
01:39:18,771 --> 01:39:19,814
You see him anywhere?
1915
01:39:19,897 --> 01:39:21,649
No. Let's try in there.
1916
01:39:24,736 --> 01:39:27,447
Hi. Have any of you guys seen a
talking teddy bear run through here?
1917
01:39:27,530 --> 01:39:29,574
Shh. They're about to
announce the new Superman.
1918
01:39:29,657 --> 01:39:32,243
The new Superman is...
1919
01:39:32,535 --> 01:39:33,786
Jonah Hill!
1920
01:39:34,036 --> 01:39:35,079
Fuck!
1921
01:39:35,163 --> 01:39:36,539
- Who's Superman?
- What?
1922
01:39:36,622 --> 01:39:38,666
I'm just kidding. I'm fucking with you.
Come on!
1923
01:39:39,500 --> 01:39:41,753
And if that is not big enough news,
1924
01:39:41,836 --> 01:39:44,672
Hasbro will be
unveiling a brand-new line
1925
01:39:44,756 --> 01:39:47,592
of Transformers merchandise next fall.
1926
01:39:49,677 --> 01:39:51,262
We've got a brand-new
line of Decepticons...
1927
01:39:51,345 --> 01:39:52,346
Hey!
1928
01:39:52,430 --> 01:39:53,765
- ...that is gonna be...
- Fresh cakes.
1929
01:39:53,848 --> 01:39:55,349
Fresh cakes.
1930
01:39:56,434 --> 01:39:57,769
Fresh cakes.
1931
01:40:00,062 --> 01:40:01,105
Comic Con fans,
1932
01:40:01,189 --> 01:40:03,024
let's take a look at
this thrilling sizzle reel
1933
01:40:03,107 --> 01:40:04,901
with all of our exciting new toys.
1934
01:40:05,526 --> 01:40:06,569
Take a look.
1935
01:40:12,784 --> 01:40:15,161
Come on, there's an empty
supply room downstairs.
1936
01:40:15,244 --> 01:40:16,245
Is that him?
1937
01:40:16,329 --> 01:40:18,331
Yeah, there was an issue, so he's
1938
01:40:18,414 --> 01:40:19,874
unconscious now, but yeah, this is him.
1939
01:40:19,957 --> 01:40:22,168
Jesus! Why did you bring him here?
1940
01:40:22,251 --> 01:40:24,337
I've been following him
around since yesterday.
1941
01:40:24,420 --> 01:40:27,882
This was the only chance I could
get him alone. I had to move fast.
1942
01:40:27,965 --> 01:40:29,008
Hey, Ted!
1943
01:40:30,843 --> 01:40:31,886
Is that you?
1944
01:40:31,969 --> 01:40:33,930
Uh, yeah, he had
a little too much to drink.
1945
01:40:34,013 --> 01:40:36,974
He puked a pile of cotton all over
this little girl in a stroller
1946
01:40:37,058 --> 01:40:39,560
so we're gonna take him
back and sober him up.
1947
01:40:39,644 --> 01:40:41,395
Ah, rock on, Ted.
1948
01:40:41,479 --> 01:40:42,605
Eff yeah.
1949
01:40:42,688 --> 01:40:46,484
Hey, guys, be careful out there.
Some nerd spilled his lunch.
1950
01:40:47,026 --> 01:40:48,820
Hey, watch that floor.
Comes up fast, man.
1951
01:40:55,493 --> 01:40:56,744
Hey, Johnny.
1952
01:40:56,828 --> 01:40:57,870
Guy?
1953
01:40:58,162 --> 01:41:00,456
Man, it's a goddamn party here today.
1954
01:41:00,790 --> 01:41:02,625
Hey, I remember you from the wedding.
1955
01:41:02,792 --> 01:41:04,669
- You get a nose job?
- No.
1956
01:41:05,002 --> 01:41:06,671
Yes, you did, you fucking liar.
1957
01:41:06,754 --> 01:41:08,297
Hey, we just ran into your buddy Ted.
1958
01:41:08,381 --> 01:41:09,423
Ted? Where is he?
1959
01:41:09,507 --> 01:41:12,844
He got a little wasted, so these two
dudes took him out back to sober up.
1960
01:41:13,010 --> 01:41:14,011
Did you see which way they went?
1961
01:41:14,136 --> 01:41:15,930
Yeah, yeah. Back hallway,
past the photo booth.
1962
01:41:16,013 --> 01:41:17,139
Come on!
1963
01:41:17,974 --> 01:41:19,183
Thirsty, Urkel?
1964
01:41:20,518 --> 01:41:22,186
I fucking love this place.
1965
01:41:31,195 --> 01:41:33,781
What the fuck? What the
fuck's going on here?
1966
01:41:33,948 --> 01:41:35,032
Who the hell are you?
1967
01:41:35,241 --> 01:41:37,618
He really is extraordinary, isn't he?
1968
01:41:37,702 --> 01:41:40,121
You son of a bitch!
This is kidnapping!
1969
01:41:40,288 --> 01:41:42,039
No, it's not.
1970
01:41:42,290 --> 01:41:46,711
Kidnapping only applies to people.
And you, Ted, you're property.
1971
01:41:46,836 --> 01:41:48,713
Yeah, so is that fucking hairpiece.
1972
01:41:52,508 --> 01:41:54,051
What do you say there, happy face?
1973
01:41:54,218 --> 01:41:57,305
Right there. Death to Ming.
Yeah! Come on. All right.
1974
01:41:57,388 --> 01:41:58,890
Happy guy.
1975
01:41:59,056 --> 01:42:02,393
Right there. Death to Ming. Good, yeah.
1976
01:42:04,228 --> 01:42:05,479
Hey, Bennett!
1977
01:42:06,856 --> 01:42:07,857
Oh, shit!
1978
01:42:07,940 --> 01:42:09,400
You messed up my car.
1979
01:42:09,483 --> 01:42:11,027
What the hell is wrong with you?
1980
01:42:11,110 --> 01:42:13,696
Look, Sam, this is a really bad time,
all right? Something happened to Ted.
1981
01:42:13,779 --> 01:42:17,283
But it was a good time for you
to vandalize my Chrysler though.
1982
01:42:17,366 --> 01:42:19,118
Hey, fuck your Chrysler!
1983
01:42:28,461 --> 01:42:29,670
Holy shit!
1984
01:42:29,754 --> 01:42:32,089
Look, Donny, Donny!
You don't wanna do this! Okay?
1985
01:42:32,381 --> 01:42:34,091
Think about what happened at Fenway.
1986
01:42:34,175 --> 01:42:37,678
You remember? You cut me open, that's it!
I'm gone, dead!
1987
01:42:38,262 --> 01:42:39,847
Just a regular old teddy bear.
1988
01:42:39,931 --> 01:42:41,974
I won't be any fun then, will I?
1989
01:42:42,266 --> 01:42:43,935
This isn't about you, Ted.
1990
01:42:44,477 --> 01:42:45,978
You're only one bear.
1991
01:42:46,312 --> 01:42:47,980
We're gonna figure out what makes you real,
1992
01:42:48,064 --> 01:42:49,649
and then we're gonna make millions of Teds.
1993
01:42:49,732 --> 01:42:51,692
One for every child in the world.
1994
01:42:52,234 --> 01:42:53,611
One for me.
1995
01:42:55,655 --> 01:42:58,532
One that loves me
just as much as you love John.
1996
01:42:58,783 --> 01:43:01,369
Look, Donny, I can never love you.
1997
01:43:01,535 --> 01:43:04,288
God, that sounds fucked up.
Listen, I don't wanna die.
1998
01:43:04,455 --> 01:43:05,498
Okay? So, uh...
1999
01:43:05,873 --> 01:43:07,625
What if I gave you a hand job outside
2000
01:43:07,708 --> 01:43:09,460
your pants while you ate an ice cream?
2001
01:43:12,630 --> 01:43:14,298
I'll give you a minute.
2002
01:43:20,638 --> 01:43:21,639
Come here!
2003
01:43:55,256 --> 01:43:56,882
Hey, check it out. Nerd fight.
2004
01:43:57,216 --> 01:43:58,217
Ah!
2005
01:44:10,146 --> 01:44:11,188
Come here.
2006
01:44:17,361 --> 01:44:18,487
Come on.
2007
01:44:25,161 --> 01:44:26,996
I'll see you in heaven, Ted.
2008
01:44:34,462 --> 01:44:36,130
- Ted!
- Johnny!
2009
01:44:36,297 --> 01:44:37,339
Who the hell are you?
2010
01:44:37,882 --> 01:44:39,759
Get away from him, you bastard!
2011
01:44:39,842 --> 01:44:41,927
- Ted, you okay, buddy?
- Johnny, thank God!
2012
01:44:42,011 --> 01:44:43,012
I'm out.
2013
01:44:43,095 --> 01:44:45,431
Wait, Mr. Jessup, please don't go.
Come on, we can still do this.
2014
01:44:45,514 --> 01:44:48,142
You're on your own, Danny. I can't
be implicated in any of this.
2015
01:44:48,225 --> 01:44:49,393
Wait, wait, wait. Who are you?
2016
01:44:49,727 --> 01:44:51,228
I work for Mattel.
2017
01:44:53,230 --> 01:44:54,565
You piece of shit.
2018
01:44:54,732 --> 01:44:56,901
Killing him at Fenway Park
wasn't enough for you, huh?
2019
01:44:57,526 --> 01:44:58,694
What do you wanna do now?
2020
01:44:58,778 --> 01:45:02,323
You don't deserve him, John.
You never did. You never did!
2021
01:45:02,615 --> 01:45:04,617
I've been wanting
to do this for a long time.
2022
01:45:07,078 --> 01:45:08,120
A-ha! I fucking knew it!
2023
01:45:09,288 --> 01:45:10,539
Come on.
2024
01:45:22,218 --> 01:45:25,304
Listen, Johnny, I wanna
tell you how sorry I am.
2025
01:45:25,471 --> 01:45:26,680
No, forget it, buddy.
2026
01:45:26,764 --> 01:45:29,558
Look, Teddy, you were upset, and I shouldn't
have brushed it off. I'm so sorry.
2027
01:45:29,642 --> 01:45:30,726
No, listen to me.
2028
01:45:30,810 --> 01:45:33,062
Just listen to me.
You, too, Sam.
2029
01:45:33,145 --> 01:45:35,106
I acted like an asshole.
2030
01:45:35,189 --> 01:45:38,776
All right? I was just hurting
because I knew I'd lost.
2031
01:45:39,568 --> 01:45:43,697
And that, in the eyes of the
world, I'll always be property.
2032
01:45:44,448 --> 01:45:46,867
But you know what?
Who gives a shit? Right?
2033
01:45:46,951 --> 01:45:50,246
It doesn't matter what the world calls me.
I know who I am.
2034
01:45:50,621 --> 01:45:52,123
And that's all that's important.
2035
01:45:52,832 --> 01:45:54,583
And I know who my friends are.
2036
01:45:55,000 --> 01:45:56,293
And honest to God,
2037
01:45:56,377 --> 01:45:59,880
if you two want to be together,
nothing would make me happier.
2038
01:46:00,256 --> 01:46:01,715
Aw, buddy, I love you for that.
2039
01:46:01,799 --> 01:46:03,676
Thanks, Ted. That means a lot.
2040
01:46:05,845 --> 01:46:09,140
And for what it's worth,
as far as I'm concerned,
2041
01:46:09,765 --> 01:46:10,975
you're a person.
2042
01:46:11,433 --> 01:46:13,727
As much as anybody I've ever known.
2043
01:46:13,811 --> 01:46:18,649
Sam, that means the world coming from
someone who went to Arizona State.
2044
01:46:34,999 --> 01:46:36,167
Ted!
2045
01:46:45,176 --> 01:46:46,468
Holy shit! Johnny!
2046
01:46:46,594 --> 01:46:48,429
- Oh, my God. John!
- Johnny!
2047
01:46:48,512 --> 01:46:49,722
- John!
- Oh, Jesus!
2048
01:46:49,805 --> 01:46:51,265
- Are you okay?
- Johnny, you all right?
2049
01:46:51,348 --> 01:46:52,349
Shit.
2050
01:46:52,433 --> 01:46:53,767
- John, hey.
- Oh, my God.
2051
01:46:53,851 --> 01:46:55,102
Jesus, what happened here?
2052
01:46:55,186 --> 01:46:56,520
The rocket ship just hit him!
2053
01:46:56,687 --> 01:46:58,939
Jesus Christ, that's the starship
Enterprise... Forget it.
2054
01:46:59,023 --> 01:47:00,441
Somebody call 911!
2055
01:47:00,524 --> 01:47:02,401
Johnny? John, come on,
stay with me, pal.
2056
01:47:02,526 --> 01:47:04,778
We need an ambulance at 655 West 34th.
2057
01:47:04,862 --> 01:47:06,113
How the hell did it fall?
2058
01:47:06,197 --> 01:47:07,198
I don't know!
2059
01:47:10,242 --> 01:47:11,285
It was him!
2060
01:47:11,368 --> 01:47:12,745
The guy dressed like the Ninja Turtle!
2061
01:47:18,167 --> 01:47:19,210
Which one?
2062
01:47:19,376 --> 01:47:23,005
All right, two can play this Where's
Waldo shit, you son of a bitch!
2063
01:47:23,088 --> 01:47:24,340
Sam, give me your phone.
2064
01:47:44,568 --> 01:47:45,569
That's him.
2065
01:47:49,531 --> 01:47:50,574
Get off me!
2066
01:47:51,200 --> 01:47:52,451
Get off me!
2067
01:47:54,870 --> 01:47:56,080
Johnny?
2068
01:47:56,538 --> 01:47:57,706
Johnny, come on.
2069
01:47:58,374 --> 01:48:00,000
Johnny, you got to wake up, pal.
2070
01:48:00,584 --> 01:48:01,627
Johnny, wake up!
2071
01:48:02,378 --> 01:48:03,796
Wake up, Johnny.
2072
01:48:04,713 --> 01:48:06,131
Johnny.
2073
01:48:06,215 --> 01:48:07,591
Johnny, wake up!
2074
01:48:08,968 --> 01:48:10,803
Johnny, wake up.
2075
01:48:56,307 --> 01:48:59,143
Hi. How is he?
Is he gonna come out of it?
2076
01:48:59,476 --> 01:49:02,354
I don't know, Ms. Jackson.
We've done everything we can
2077
01:49:02,563 --> 01:49:04,565
and it's all up to him now.
2078
01:49:14,658 --> 01:49:15,826
John,
2079
01:49:16,660 --> 01:49:18,329
please wake up.
2080
01:49:26,962 --> 01:49:27,963
Somebody help!
2081
01:49:28,047 --> 01:49:29,590
- Oh, my God, John!
- John? Johnny?
2082
01:49:29,757 --> 01:49:31,675
Hello?
There's something happening.
2083
01:49:31,884 --> 01:49:32,926
Mr. Bennett?
2084
01:49:33,385 --> 01:49:35,304
- Something's wrong.
- What's going on? What's happening to him?
2085
01:49:35,387 --> 01:49:36,847
Mr. Bennett? John?
2086
01:49:37,681 --> 01:49:40,017
- We have a Code Blue in Room 134!
- What does that mean?
2087
01:49:40,100 --> 01:49:41,435
I'm sorry. You three are
gonna have to wait outside.
2088
01:49:41,518 --> 01:49:42,770
- What the hell is going on?
- Is he gonna be okay?
2089
01:49:42,853 --> 01:49:43,896
The doctors will do everything they can,
2090
01:49:43,979 --> 01:49:46,065
but I need you to go to the
waiting area now, please.
2091
01:49:46,148 --> 01:49:47,316
Excuse me, excuse me.
2092
01:49:47,399 --> 01:49:48,442
What's the status?
2093
01:49:48,525 --> 01:49:50,110
He was stable a minute ago
and now he's unresponsive.
2094
01:49:50,194 --> 01:49:52,363
The monitor says he's in asystole.
He's not breathing, no pulse.
2095
01:49:52,446 --> 01:49:54,031
Start compressions.
Prepare to intubate.
2096
01:49:54,156 --> 01:49:55,282
Give him a milligram of epinephrine.
2097
01:50:25,604 --> 01:50:27,231
I'm sorry.
2098
01:50:28,690 --> 01:50:29,858
He didn't make it.
2099
01:50:33,529 --> 01:50:34,613
What?
2100
01:50:36,073 --> 01:50:37,282
Johnny.
2101
01:50:38,033 --> 01:50:40,202
If you'd like, you can go in
2102
01:50:40,285 --> 01:50:41,954
and say your goodbyes.
2103
01:51:21,785 --> 01:51:23,078
Johnny.
2104
01:51:25,289 --> 01:51:27,207
You were my thunder buddy.
2105
01:51:29,626 --> 01:51:32,045
You were my thunder buddy for life.
2106
01:51:34,381 --> 01:51:38,135
And you gave up your own life to save mine.
2107
01:51:41,430 --> 01:51:43,182
The only problem is
2108
01:51:45,476 --> 01:51:48,729
I don't know how my life works without you.
2109
01:51:53,025 --> 01:51:54,485
Goodbye, John.
2110
01:51:57,696 --> 01:51:59,615
I got you, motherfucker!
2111
01:52:00,866 --> 01:52:03,410
Holy shit! Zombie!
He's a fucking zombie!
2112
01:52:04,161 --> 01:52:05,829
I totally fucking got you!
2113
01:52:06,663 --> 01:52:07,789
Holy shit!
2114
01:52:07,873 --> 01:52:09,708
You should have seen your fucking face!
2115
01:52:09,958 --> 01:52:11,210
You son of a bitch!
2116
01:52:11,293 --> 01:52:12,794
That was fucking classic!
2117
01:52:12,878 --> 01:52:15,797
Wait, wait, wait. This is payback because
I made you think that I was retarded!
2118
01:52:15,881 --> 01:52:17,257
You made me think you were retarded!
2119
01:52:17,341 --> 01:52:18,383
Oh! Well done!
2120
01:52:18,509 --> 01:52:20,260
Well done, man. High five.
2121
01:52:20,344 --> 01:52:21,386
High five.
2122
01:52:21,512 --> 01:52:23,514
What the fuck is going on?
2123
01:52:23,597 --> 01:52:27,768
What's going on, is this guy just won
the bullshit comedy blue ribbon.
2124
01:52:27,851 --> 01:52:30,395
You are the fucking greatest, man.
Holy shit!
2125
01:52:30,854 --> 01:52:32,606
Wait. How was the doctor in on it?
2126
01:52:32,689 --> 01:52:34,775
They got me out of it with the paddles.
I was totally fine.
2127
01:52:34,858 --> 01:52:36,235
So I talked him into
going along with the bit.
2128
01:52:36,318 --> 01:52:38,278
Hey, Doc, it worked out
hilarious. Thanks.
2129
01:52:38,529 --> 01:52:40,531
No problem.
We're a fun hospital.
2130
01:52:40,822 --> 01:52:43,992
You asshole!
You think this shit is funny?
2131
01:52:44,243 --> 01:52:45,744
Do you know how devastated I was?
2132
01:52:45,827 --> 01:52:47,496
I put a frowny face on Facebook!
2133
01:52:47,579 --> 01:52:49,998
How am I supposed to
explain that to everybody?
2134
01:52:50,290 --> 01:52:52,334
You could change your
relationship status from "single"
2135
01:52:52,417 --> 01:52:54,586
to "it's complicated."
2136
01:52:55,045 --> 01:52:57,130
You're gonna have to do a lot
better than that.
2137
01:52:58,090 --> 01:53:01,802
How about, "in a relationship
with John Bennett"?
2138
01:53:02,594 --> 01:53:06,223
Well, we'll have to talk about that.
2139
01:53:11,103 --> 01:53:12,729
Okay, well, good talk.
2140
01:53:18,235 --> 01:53:19,570
Hey, if you guys want to bang,
2141
01:53:19,653 --> 01:53:21,029
me and Teddy can totally leave the room.
2142
01:53:21,113 --> 01:53:23,365
No, no, honey, honey,
they're classy, they're not like us.
2143
01:53:23,448 --> 01:53:25,117
They're good people.
2144
01:53:25,325 --> 01:53:28,370
I'm happy to see everyone
has made a full recovery.
2145
01:53:28,495 --> 01:53:29,580
- Mr. Meighan.
- What the hell?
2146
01:53:29,663 --> 01:53:30,789
Holy shit!
2147
01:53:30,872 --> 01:53:32,165
Is it all right if I come in?
2148
01:53:32,708 --> 01:53:34,126
Sure, yeah.
2149
01:53:35,085 --> 01:53:36,461
How are you feeling, John?
2150
01:53:36,878 --> 01:53:38,213
I'm alive.
2151
01:53:38,755 --> 01:53:40,215
You're very lucky.
2152
01:53:40,382 --> 01:53:42,301
I saw what you did on TV.
2153
01:53:42,467 --> 01:53:44,595
Yeah, he saved my ass is what he did.
2154
01:53:44,761 --> 01:53:47,556
You know why?
Because he's a person.
2155
01:53:47,931 --> 01:53:49,016
And no matter how many
2156
01:53:49,099 --> 01:53:50,601
of you smart-ass Harvard
lawyers try to keep him down,
2157
01:53:50,684 --> 01:53:51,893
you're not gonna change that.
2158
01:53:51,977 --> 01:53:53,395
Not in our eyes.
2159
01:53:53,604 --> 01:53:54,730
Ted is real.
2160
01:53:55,063 --> 01:53:56,607
So you can go fuck yourself.
2161
01:53:57,524 --> 01:53:58,817
I will.
2162
01:53:59,443 --> 01:54:01,987
And as soon as I'm done fucking myself,
2163
01:54:02,362 --> 01:54:04,364
I'd like to take your case, Ted.
2164
01:54:04,615 --> 01:54:05,657
- What?
- Seriously?
2165
01:54:05,741 --> 01:54:07,367
- Oh, my God!
- You heard that?
2166
01:54:07,451 --> 01:54:09,328
- Oh, my gosh!
- I don't believe it!
2167
01:54:10,621 --> 01:54:12,247
- Maybe we don't want you now.
- Shut up.
2168
01:54:12,331 --> 01:54:14,291
No, yeah, we want you.
For sure, we want you.
2169
01:54:14,374 --> 01:54:16,251
What made you change your mind?
2170
01:54:16,418 --> 01:54:18,545
Well, when I saw what John did for you,
2171
01:54:19,379 --> 01:54:22,132
that he was willing to
give his life for yours,
2172
01:54:22,549 --> 01:54:24,551
it gave me a kick in the ass.
2173
01:54:24,635 --> 01:54:27,846
Reminded me of why I chose
to do the kind of work I do.
2174
01:54:29,056 --> 01:54:31,266
I'm sorry I turned you away.
2175
01:54:31,350 --> 01:54:32,726
I was wrong.
2176
01:54:33,477 --> 01:54:35,020
As far as I'm concerned,
2177
01:54:35,270 --> 01:54:39,441
anyone who can inspire that
kind of love in another person
2178
01:54:39,524 --> 01:54:41,401
deserves to be called human.
2179
01:54:42,569 --> 01:54:43,654
You mean it?
2180
01:54:43,737 --> 01:54:45,322
I certainly do.
2181
01:54:46,198 --> 01:54:47,199
So,
2182
01:54:47,491 --> 01:54:49,117
shall we get started?
2183
01:54:59,419 --> 01:55:01,088
What defines a person?
2184
01:55:03,507 --> 01:55:05,217
What defines property?
2185
01:55:06,385 --> 01:55:08,011
What's the difference?
2186
01:55:09,721 --> 01:55:14,017
The anthropologist and
ethicist Dawn Prince-Hughes
2187
01:55:14,393 --> 01:55:19,523
argues that the standards for
personhood include self-awareness,
2188
01:55:20,190 --> 01:55:23,360
an ability to understand complex emotions
2189
01:55:23,694 --> 01:55:26,238
and a capacity for empathy.
2190
01:55:28,073 --> 01:55:33,036
We're all in agreement
that Ted is self-aware.
2191
01:55:35,455 --> 01:55:36,623
What is your name?
2192
01:55:37,207 --> 01:55:38,750
Ted Clubber Lang.
2193
01:55:43,463 --> 01:55:46,925
As for complex emotions
and the capacity for empathy,
2194
01:55:47,676 --> 01:55:49,928
we all saw the distressing images
2195
01:55:50,011 --> 01:55:52,472
of Ted agonizing over his fallen friend,
2196
01:55:52,973 --> 01:55:54,015
John Bennett.
2197
01:55:54,516 --> 01:55:56,184
In those images,
2198
01:55:56,309 --> 01:56:01,356
Ted exhibits all of the remaining
qualities of personhood.
2199
01:56:03,483 --> 01:56:05,861
It's right there for anyone to see.
2200
01:56:07,070 --> 01:56:11,450
And I believe that a just
court must, by definition,
2201
01:56:12,284 --> 01:56:16,121
grant basic human rights
to all those who deserve them,
2202
01:56:17,414 --> 01:56:20,125
just as the Emancipation Proclamation
2203
01:56:20,375 --> 01:56:23,920
and the Thirteenth Amendment
did so many years ago.
2204
01:56:26,506 --> 01:56:29,134
So, ladies and gentlemen of the court,
2205
01:56:31,303 --> 01:56:33,221
I invite you
2206
01:56:34,598 --> 01:56:36,808
to change the world.
2207
01:56:56,411 --> 01:56:59,539
Well, Johnny, this is the second
time you've made me real.
2208
01:57:00,290 --> 01:57:01,416
Thanks, pal.
2209
01:57:01,500 --> 01:57:03,376
Hey, you were always real to me, buddy.
2210
01:57:03,543 --> 01:57:04,711
Even when you weren't.
2211
01:57:04,878 --> 01:57:06,129
Congratulations, Ted.
2212
01:57:06,505 --> 01:57:07,798
Thanks, Sam.
2213
01:57:09,758 --> 01:57:10,801
Ted!
2214
01:57:11,134 --> 01:57:13,011
- Ted!
- Ted! Over here!
2215
01:57:13,094 --> 01:57:14,304
Ted!
2216
01:57:15,680 --> 01:57:17,474
This is quite a victory for you.
2217
01:57:17,557 --> 01:57:19,643
Is there any statement
that you'd like to make
2218
01:57:19,726 --> 01:57:21,144
now that you're legally a person?
2219
01:57:21,686 --> 01:57:23,104
Yes, there is.
2220
01:57:25,524 --> 01:57:27,025
Tami-Lynn McCafferty,
2221
01:57:27,400 --> 01:57:29,069
will you marry me?
2222
01:57:30,654 --> 01:57:31,822
Yes.
2223
01:57:37,536 --> 01:57:40,330
And so our story comes to an end.
2224
01:57:40,664 --> 01:57:43,625
Ted and Tami-Lynn
were married once again,
2225
01:57:43,708 --> 01:57:48,421
and soon afterward, They adopted
a fine, young baby boy.
2226
01:57:48,672 --> 01:57:50,841
Johnny, meet your new godson,
2227
01:57:51,007 --> 01:57:52,759
Apollo Creed Clubber Lang.
2228
01:57:52,843 --> 01:57:54,928
Oh, Teddy, he's adorable.
2229
01:57:55,095 --> 01:57:57,764
Oh! And we got something for him, too.
John, show him.
2230
01:57:57,848 --> 01:57:59,266
Oh, shit, yeah. Hold on.
2231
01:57:59,349 --> 01:58:00,809
He got you something.
2232
01:58:02,394 --> 01:58:03,436
Huh?
2233
01:58:03,520 --> 01:58:04,938
Oh, Johnny!
2234
01:58:05,105 --> 01:58:06,982
Oh, Johnny, it's perfect.
2235
01:58:07,148 --> 01:58:09,985
Hey, you know, maybe someday,
if you wish hard enough,
2236
01:58:10,151 --> 01:58:11,486
maybe he'll come to life
2237
01:58:11,653 --> 01:58:13,780
and you guys can do
all kinds of drugs together.
2238
01:58:14,072 --> 01:58:15,782
That's all I want for him.
2239
01:58:15,866 --> 01:58:19,786
Oh! It smells like somebody's
got a poopy diaper.
2240
01:58:19,953 --> 01:58:21,162
Teddy, it's your turn to change him.
2241
01:58:21,454 --> 01:58:22,789
Oh, yeah, no problem.
2242
01:58:23,582 --> 01:58:26,042
- Oh! Fuck me!
- What's the matter?
2243
01:58:26,126 --> 01:58:27,919
That can't be normal.
He's got to be sick.
2244
01:58:28,003 --> 01:58:29,921
He's not sick, it's just baby doody.
2245
01:58:30,005 --> 01:58:31,256
Yeah, that's what babies do, Teddy.
2246
01:58:31,381 --> 01:58:33,258
- Oh, you don't think this diaper's gross?
- No.
2247
01:58:33,383 --> 01:58:34,801
All right. Here, catch.
2248
01:58:34,885 --> 01:58:37,304
Oh, Teddy, what the fuck?
2249
01:58:37,429 --> 01:58:40,390
Holy shit!
Oh, you motherfucker!
2250
01:58:40,557 --> 01:58:43,310
Hashtag "Shit happens."